News In Brief-Rat Plane Crashes In Dublin As Sports Team Go Off The Ball

Rats Safe After Airport Crash

Rats Safe After Airport Crash

If News in Brief can’t be bothered this week can we blame it on tooth ache like Rory McIlroy? Only joking News in Brief is always on the ball. Unlike the Newstalk sports pundits behind the ’Off The Ball’ team, they’re definitely off: the ball, the side and the airwaves. The group’s departure comes after the lads were not allowed the option of moving from 7pm to 6pm for fears listeners would not be receptive and incurring the wrath of George Hook. Despite the possibility of a swift swop to RTE any transfer deals haven’t been signed as yet and it’s getting closer to extra time (very proud of all those sport references). It’s a shame they left this week, there was some kind of ball game on Tuesday wasn’t there?

In Limerick, Oreo the cow gave birth to 5 calves. Yes this is news. 5 calves! Imagine that. And it wasn’t the first time, by all accounts Oreo is a veritable baby making machine giving birth to 16 calves over the last few years. Bet Christmas is expensive in their barn.

With more components than an IKEA Billy Bookcase the horse meat scandal rolls on including further upsetting finds at the Swedish furniture giant. Not only did their hot-dogs potentially contain horse it seems their cakes contain human waste. Fecal matter. Poo. It’s not quite as bad as it sounds though, the same bacteria are also found in soil and water and wouldn’t actually cause significant health risks except suggest more deadly bacteria like E.Coli could be lurking beneath the icing.

Michael Noonan told the Oireachtas sub-committee on finance this week ’there’s no money tree out in the back garden.’ Wait, WHAT? All right joking aside NIB could have told you there’s no such thing as a money tree, a cash cow however (Old Oreo must be worth a few). Why do you think big businesses have really been making horse burgers? There are cows in underground caves being milked for every cent.

All right, all right. There are no cash cows or money trees but we still have the marvellous magic that is cash projecting holes in the wall, burping our hard-earned wealth into our sweaty, waiting hands. NOT IF YOU BANK WITH ULSTER BANK. Poor Ulster Bank after the IT failure last year which left 750,000 customers without banking services for weeks and cost over €1 million, now it seems ATM’s, internet and phone banking were out of order for a number of hours. No further information has been given about the disruption, perhaps they were outside looking for magic money beans? Services are now up and running.

And finally, an aircraft that suffered problems on a runway at Dublin airport has been revealed to have been carrying a cargo of rats and mice from England. The airlines name? BinAir. It regularly deposits the rodents every Thursday morning for reasons NIB will not even begin to fathom but you can bet it has something to do with Bono.

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