News in Brief-Shatter’s Racy Novel Returns While Irish Biscuit Gambler Isn’t a Jammie Dodger

A cardinal at the Vatican at the beginning of the week, claimed Enda Kenny wasn’t making sense, after the Taoiseach reportedly asked: ’How do you like your eggs in the morning? Raising eyebrows Enda went on to say: ’I’m a teapot and I’ve made some terrible mistakes in regards to our country’s future but I’m really, really sorry and that. It’s not you, it’s your beard.’ It’s unclear who he was referring to.

Apparently the number of sexually transmitted diseases is rising, you dirty bunch of bastards. Cases of genital herpes and chlamydia are not at worrying levels according to research by the country’s sexual health clinics. Maybe news of Alan Shatter’s racy novel Laura being re-released has got couples hot under their collars, unable to resist temptation. Just picturing Shatter’s face should it a stop to that.

As a remedy to the recession another Oireachtas committee has been set up to establish whether school uniforms and books are too expensive. The Joint Committee on Education and Social Protection met to discuss the banning of “voluntary” contributions and expensive workbooks. Let NIB save everyone some time. They are. Make the cheque payable to cash.

The Dublin weather radar has been switched off for scheduled maintenance which could last for up to four days this week. A Met Eireann spokesman said the radar gives an indication of what is happening in the air over Ireland but when it is switched off forecasters rely on computer models and rainfall measuring stations. Sure they could just look out the window.

An Irish holiday maker has been caught up in the most feeble gambling scandal ever. Enjoying a drink at his local, an Irish holiday-home owner was shocked to find himself being rounded up and sent to a police station after being present at a game of bingo, in which the top prize was a packet of biscuits. Following an anonymous tip-off police raided the premises in Albufeira just as a 76-year-old man known only as Gerald, won a line and claimed the prize. Those in attendance were ordered to pay €150 to charity as punishment for contravening the strict Portuguese gambling laws. Not exactly Ocean’s Eleven.

That’s it for another week of stories NIB pulled out of their arse. (That was the one and only reference to the Anglo tapes by the way, just in case you missed it).

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