News in Brief-Irish Lap Up Weather As Boris Rejects GAA Invite

ORANGE WARNING: IT’S too hot! The EU has ruled Ireland must enter Summer austerity as the heat wave continues leaving some parts of the Island hotter than popular holiday destinations and a severe shortage of paddling pools. Met Eireann’s expert Harm Luijkx accounted for the heat, it’s due to : ’long periods of sunshine every day.’ Tax the sun, tax the sun! NIB warned this day would come!

The Irish Coast Guard reckon there has been a 40pc increase in call-outs relating to leisure activities during the hot weather. Honestly we’re never happy are we. If it rains we complain, if it’s too hot jet skiers torment us! They’re the biggest problem apparently with a ’notable’ rise in complaints of the whizzing water bastards tormenting sweltering swimmers in designated swimming areas because they won’t let us have a go!

It took the wildlife team in county Kerry three hours to walk and climb above the lakes in Killarney National Park to tag the first eagle to be born in the county for more than a hundred years. You would think for such a momentous event they’d get a bloody move on.

Boris Johnson won’t be coming to Mayo for the Connacht Senior Football Final between London and Mayo in Castlebar, the Mayor of London has had to kindly decline the offer. Oh bugger.

Remember Margaretta D’Arcy the anti-war protestor that decided to land herself firmly on Shannon airport’s runway last October? The Gardai reckoned she ’scaled’ the fence – despite using a zimmer frame? Well she’s back. The 79-year-old has been in court to face the charges against her wearing a rather fetching orange jumpsuit, not dissimilar to those worn by prisoners of a certain American bay. Margaretta was eventually thrown out of the court after quite literally standing up to the judge and refusing to get down.

Mikey Graham’s not jealous of 1D ok, so don’t say he is! The former Boyzone singer, no not that one, not that one either, not the one in Corrie or the fella with the tattoos. The other one. Yeah. Anyway, he’s definitely not jealous of the young boys’ enormous success: ’I think it would be very hard to be in a successful pop band’. That wasn’t all he had to say, he was speaking at a book launch for Maria Duffy’s new novel: ’I read the synopsis then my wife took it’. Sorry which one is he again?

That’s it NIB’s off to commandeer a jet ski.

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