News in Brief-Silly Season Arrives As Fannygate Erupts

norrisWhat a week full of exciting, exhilarating and other ex- words news. Oh no it wasn’t, NIB was lying.

What has happened this week?

David Norris has won the inaugural NIB award for best quote of the year. The “controversial” senator accused Fine Gael TD Regina Doherty of ’talking through her fanny’ in relation to her comments of the abolition of the Seanad. Amazing.

Some bungling burglars were caught in the act recently as they made so much noise robbing an empty house they woke all the neighbours. Not only that, but their getaway car was too small to transport their pilfered pieces. Crime doesn’t pay you see, they want to stick to their day jobs in the Seanad.

Actually because of the increase in burglaries, 20 new jobs are to become available in Dublin. These will be for people to dress up as large dogs and patrol residential areas to deter criminals. Or they might be at the secure storage company Merrion Private Vaults, but you never know.

A businessman has been attacked by a Congar Eel. A Connemara Congar Eel, no less, whilst enjoying a casual scuba dive. After forty minutes under water the man recalled being hit in the face: “I got hit by this thing, it had me by the face and I was being tossed around like a rag doll”. Jesus, Mary and Joseph is anywhere safe?! “I knew something was after hitting me and biting me, but I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t get my hands around it, it was so big. I managed to wrestle it off,” he went on. The eel was unavailable for comment. That’ll make you think again about going for a swim in this weather.

The second inaugural NIB prize for saying something that makes you sound like a serious spanner goes to Fianna Fáil Senator Brian Ó’Domhnaill. He reckons legislation legalising abortion should not be passed for cases in which it is known a child will be born disabled. Otherwise he fears, we will be ridding Ireland of it’s chances at the Special Olympics. He’s pretty bloody special.

You think this week was good, silly season is only just beginning. NIB’s off to slip into an eel suit . . .

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