News in Brief-President Called “Acknowledged Homosexual” As Jedward Return

Olympic TorchSilly season hasn’t quite got underway with enough speed this year. NIB wants false accusations of homosexuality, sex-fetish filled Ireland and Jedward to do something stupid! Oh wait . . .

Who knew Michael D was an “acknowledged homosexual”? Not even Michael D himself, must have come as quite a surprise to his wife and four kids. American ’Forbes’ magazine was forced to issue an apology after a piece claimed Higgins was a massive gay boy. They weren’t exactly their words. Michael D wasn’t bothered though, because he’s a massive legend, he just got on with this week’s engagements. How would Enda react to similar claims NIB wonders?

One story this week provided more opportunity for innuendo than a day in the Dail. Apparently 300 people a week have been signing up for swingers website which now has 130,000 members. That’s an awful lot of people signing up for sex swapping with several partners (we’re sure all going to look differently at each other in the shop now). Founder of (another one!) Philip Moore warns it’s not for everyone though, some couples get jealous or upset, even the best laid (ahem) plans can go wrong.

Back to the Dàil, although NIB would like to make very clear there are no explicit links between these two stories. They are all implied. The bar hours are being cut! Ah lads, would you shtop! How will they get anything done without their mandatory morning bloody mary’s? How will those all important decisions be made without being bolstered by booze? There should be more drinking not less! Maybe then they would all actually make some decisions and get things done.

Not only booze free but soon James Reilly wants to make Ireland smoke free. The dirty delicious habit will, according to reports, be banned in public spaces like parks or beaches, even though they are outside. In fact all air will be banned unless it can be proven to be 100% authentically Irish and subject to VAT.

They’ve been away for a while but now they’re back, fresh from their conjoined chrysalis, John and Edward. The Jedward has been shed like old skin, the artists will now only be known by their first names. Like Madonna, but you know, not. Apparently John will now be playing guitar, while the pair will be crooning Westlife covers. An inside said: “To quote Louis Walsh all that jumping around was starting to look stupid”.

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