News in Brief – Corrupt Government To Silence The Internet As Leaving Cert Cheaters Face Anxious Wait

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Do you smell like sheep s***? Do people avoid you because of your stink? Are you a hardened farmer with his own willies and appropriate tan? If you can drive a bullet proof John Dere you could be in luck , Pope Francis may have the job for you! Apparently the Pope wants his bishops to be real shepherds, actual shepherds, with sheep. No not really, but he wants them to be leaders of their flock, part of the farm, a bishop in wolves clothing even. Or sheets clothing anyway.

People have always said prison was cushy, but they could have been accused of exaggerating. Until now. Dublin-based BWG Foodservices have just scored a contract to supply prison shops with products such as fake tan, make-up and whitening toothpaste. Cigars, Cadbury’s Milk Tray and numerous other hair and beauty products will also be on offer. If you can’t enjoy your time, don’t do the crime.

Everyone’s been cheating in their leaving cert, at least a couple of lads anyway. Seventy five, which is three-quarters of one hundred, papers have been highlighted to be pending inquiry. If proved to have cheated the students may have their result for that subject, or subjects (which is the plural!) withheld. Meaning they might not get to college and end up thousands of Euro in debt and with no job prospects. Bummer.

Apparently the government are currently in the process of ’un-inventing’ computers. The ministers behind the Freedom of Information act, a.k.a. the Lex Luthers to Steve Jobs, plan to eradicate the Internet, harbour the nation’s hard drives and take us all back to the time when snail mail was our only form of communication. According to a solicitor the new bill would severely limit exactly how much information could be gleaned from bodies, such as the Department of the Taoiseach’s expenditure data. Convenient that.

That’s not all the powers that they get up to on their summer holidays. According to reports engineers are seriously considering a bridge to link England and Ireland. Described as “incredibly long”, the bridge could run from the North or the South over the sea with four routes currently proposed. Can they really be serious? Has Leinster House gone mad? It is silly season but NIB literally doesn’t know what to say.

The Rose of Tralee will be on Monday and Tuesday. NIB realises this is vitally important information for everyone, mainly Dáithí Ó Sé’s mam. On that note, see you all next week.

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