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News in Brief – Shocking Pictures Emerge As Lovely Cows Competition Takes Centre Stage

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We’ve all seen the shocking pictures posted online in the last week, of Simon Cowell with his shirt undone. At the London premiere of the new blockbuster, One Direction’s film – in which they learn the hand L trick to tell left and right – Simon certainly showed us more than we needed to see, much like the now eponymous “Slane pics”.

In fact, unbeknownst to the popular press, all eyes were on the Lovely Cows this week, no that’s not a typo. The Lovely Cows competition in Cavan is by far superior to The Rose of Tralee, judging, as it does, the loveliest of cows. How do you judge a lovely cow? NIB hears you ask, on “dairyness” and “femininity”. And there’s you thinking it was just about their pretty faces. Oh no. They’re talented bovines, reciting Irish poems and performing traditional dance, it’s a wonder it isn’t televised.

Alcohol free accommodation at University College Cork has caused umbrage with serial drink defender Danny Healy-Rae and Ming the Merciless Luke Flanagan. “What state is this country in?” They asked, when the Rose of Tralee continues, like some insane sixties throwback, but our deep-rooted culture of alcohol over-indulgence is being neglected? What state indeed.

An Post has proven themselves able to deliver mail to, quite literally, anywhere. After Rob Heffernan made us all proud by winning a medal in walking, our fellow countrymen decided to send him letters of congratulations simply addressed; “Rob Heffernan, Gold Medal Winner, Cork”. When Rob received the letters, without any actual postal address, he immediately went to Twitter to praise the postal system who commented: “we were pretty sure where to find him”. Apparently Liam Neeson’s signed up for the next advertising initiative, they will find you and they will post to you.

In other An Post news, a seventeen year old has been arrested after stealing a post van. Who can blame kids today? No jobs to speak of and the understanding from a young age that the ideal life is to drive a post van in rural Yorkshire with just a cat for company. He only got as far as Meath though, then he got the call, “we will find you, and we will arrest you.“

A warden of Griffith Park in Drumcondra has been suspended after shouting at some Muslim women: “No praying in the park”. What next, no drinking? No heavy petting? No ritualistic animal sacrifice? Someone call Healy-Rae and Ming the world’s gone to pot.

That’s probably enough for this week as silly season seems to have reached it’s climax, like your one in “those photos”. Good luck.

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