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News in Brief : National Hero At The Centre Of Langer Row

guiForgive NIB for thinking Arthur’s Day in all its Guinnessy glory was over for another year last Thursday. Seems we were wrong.

The celebrations haven’t stopped in Kildare. A statue of the man himself has been unveiled to celebrate the first thirty years of his life spent in Celbridge. Minister for Arts, Heritage and the Gaeltacht Jimmy Deenihan was at the event declaring the Diageo name, sorry Guinness name, was known around the world and he hoped the statue would encourage people to drink more Guinness, sorry, visit the town. Although it’s Leixlip that claims the birthplace of the actual black stuff as that is where the first brewery, owned by Diageo, sorry Arthur, was established.*

Apparently Health Minister, and NIB favourite, James Reilly, wants the country to be tobacco free by 2025. Or at least that’s what his smiling face on the advertising says. Behind the scenes it’s highly unlikely the government would outlaw one of the biggest revenue earners and key tool in keeping the masses in hand. More likely is Ireland will become tobacco free, but we’ll all be addicted to million euro gold cigarillos made of ground up unicorn horns.

The government are set to introduce new passports with added safety features! NIB’s excited! We foolishly thought a passport was our security to allow us access to different countries or buy contraband but evidentally they’re also our secret weapons. So what could they be? Retractable blades? Smoke-screen gas? Some kind of magic? Nobody knows. Although apparently the new passports will also be much cheaper to produce than the current versions. The Tannaiste’s office couldn’t comment on whether this saving would be passed on to potential travellers – NIB would guess at the answer. If they’re still going to cost €95 there better be some magic . . .

Trouble in Cork after the council spotted Rebel Week organisers calling Michael Collins a ’langer’. Yes, in a promotional “Rebel Passport” under the name Michael Collins, the city’s hero had his gender listed as ’langer’ (famously used by Roy Keane to describe Mick McCarthy) , meaning willy. Johnson. Sausage. Whatever you want to call it. Classy, for the man celebrated by the city during the week long rebel festivities. The offending word was spotted by Fine Gael Council members (!) who have recalled all 100,000 copies of the brochure.

In other langer news, there’s still no painting of Brian Cowen, to hang ceremoniously on the walls of Leinster House. Honestly, what is wrong with this country? We must install one post haste even it if could cost up to ten grand. What better use of municipal monies? NIB will write a cheque now, take it, take it all. We’re off.

Bob Geldof has made more than one appearance in here in the last few weeks. And this week is no exception, so there. Before he heads off into space he’s been in South Africa, telling the assembled youngsters at the One Young World Summit on global warming, climate change and humanitarian issues, that by 2030 we’ll all be dead.

Bob! Oi, Bob! Your rocket’s here . . .

On that note, good luck.

*This post was not sponsored by Diageo.

Image courtesy of Broadsheet.ie

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