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News In Brief – McGuinness Gets Into Bed With The Queen

queen

There’s been one word on everybody’s lips this week: Bananas. As in; ’this budget is bananas’. Quite true.

Joan Burton’s quite right about one thing, cutting jobseekers allowance by €44 a week will force the young out of the dole queue and out of the country. As always with our politicians the long-term is ignored. Like when Brian Cowen, as Chancellor, failed to see the long-term detriment of overspending during the boom. To sidestep the usual light-hearted tone of NIB for a minute, the government can stick their ’culture of dependency’ up their arse.

The Moriarty Tribunal continues, yes, really. I thought Sherlock killed him under that Waterfall but it seems Moriarty didn’t give up and is claiming legal expenses from the Taoiseach’s department. What do you mean a different Moriarty? I’m talking about fictional events, corrupt baddies and dodgy dealings. At this point the expenses reach €600,000, that certainly sounds fictional.

Their love blossomed across a sectarian divide. Everyone said it was wrong but they couldn’t resist. The Queen and Martin McGuinness share a bed! It’s true! In a classic rom-com twist the two apparent enemies finally revealed their true feelings in twin Tartan pyjamas. Not at the same time though, don’t be silly. Apparently, according to McGuinness, he snuck a quick snooze in the Queen’s bed at Hillsborough Castle, though disappointingly she wasn’t also in it.

Dublin City Council have come up with a resolution to the fire trap apartment complex “Priory Hall”, they’re going to change the name. What a fantastic solution to all the problems Priory Hall has caused. Can NIB offer some suggestions for a name change? Crap Complex; Terrible Towers; Horrible History House; This-is-what-the-boom-cost-us building. On second thought’s they might not sell it.

If you read the Daily Mail you’ll already know that EVERYTHING cause cancer, particularly women/black/gay people, or worse all three! Arrgghhh! But now, it’s got worse, air causes cancer. Namely polluted air, such as that above and around our fair city. According to the World Health Organisation that thing we thought we all needed to live is in fact carcinogenic, to the same level as ciggies. The Daily Mail hasn’t launched a hate campaign yet but it’s only a matter of time. Lock your doors, block your windows, we’re all doomed!

Apparently One Direction star Niall Horan is afraid to leave his hotel room. It’s the budget. We’re all afraid Niall, believe NIB.

Good morning/afternoon/night, good luck. We’ll all need it.

Image courtesy of ansionnachfionn.com

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