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News In Brief-Kilkenny Man’s Hitler Cake Courts Controversy

hitlercake

 

There are monkeys loose in Belfast. Actual monkeys, running about, acting the maggot. They escaped from Belfast Zoo and have since been blamed for trouble in the Holy Lands, excessive drinking, late night parties and defecating in the street. (For those that don’t know the Holy Lands are a notoriously student populated part of the city. You’ve probably seen the area on the news when the lads have set light to a car.) Still, if you can’t beat ’em join ’em is what Martin McGuinness and First Minister Peter Robinson are reported to have said in a joint statement.

VAT on hurleys is to remain the same at 23% despite ash dieback affecting the trees they’re made from. We’ll be forced to make sliotars from spuds and our sticks from ham sandwiches! It’s not really a joke though, despite the issue being brought to the attention of a certain Noo-Nar man it was rejected as VAT can only be reduced in very “limited cases”, like if you’re a multi-billion dollar technology company. The trees may be dying off but soon it’ll be the hurley makers business dying back.

Don’t worry though makers of quality hurling/camogie equipment, with your very own pot of gold you’ll be able to buy all the ash trees and stick them up ………’s arse (insert desired name). There’s gold in them there hills! A new map has shown an “anomalous” (some we’re not really sure) amount of gold in six border counties. Apparently this means big companies will now pump cash into the country applying for prospecting licenses, which we’ll give them, and they’ll make back times a bazillion by shipping all our gold out of the country. Yep, there’s always a bitter realisation at the end of the rainbow, the Indy were also keen to point out the presence of gold does not equal evidence of a significant leprechaun population.

A fella in Kilkenny has upset everyone by having a picture of Hitler in a party hat on his birthday cake. The cake, that appeared with the man himself, Larry Brennan (79), in a picture in the Kilkenny People caused such a fuss he was invited onto KCLR radio where he proceeded to tell the presenter how much he admired Hitler. What he really meant was the sophisticated weaponry and military uniform of the German Army (we think) that he collects, but what came out was a tribute to Mein Kampf. Apparently at auction Nazi era items command a very high price, or should that be: commandant a very heil price? NIB is not particularly proud of that one. The most interesting element of the story in our honest opinion was that trained mechanic Lar, emigrated to England in the fifties where he worked as a trapeze artist. Perhaps more of this country’s young people considering a move to Canada should think about the circus first.

Following reports Angela Merkel thinks her phones been bugged Enda chipped in with a bit of advice. ‘I always operate on the basis my calls are listened to’ the Taoiseach seemingly told the German premier. No one cares that you’re on the bus and missing Fair City though Enda, stop shouting.

Anyway lads, NIB’s off to sieve for gold here. Good luck.

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