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News in Brief – Nuns Robbed While Keating Lands Postman Pat Gig

keating

In the week that’s seen ’Danny Boy’ reach 100 and Cork 10,000, well, not much else has been going on.

There has been some “interesting” research into office party politics answering one of life’s greatest questions, when is the optimum time to take pictures at the office Christmas party? Well that would be 10.02 (with the average party beginning at 7pm, so 182 minutes in, fact) though they can be a bone of contention for some. Women complained the party picture didn’t show them at their best, with twenty percent citing their make-up coming off had crushed their hopes of looking like *insert name of celebrity* in *insert name of film*. One in one hundred men complained of the same dilemma and similarly one in one hundred claimed seeing snaps of the office do caused them to look for a new job, the same one in one hundred perhaps?

We may not have a lot going for us looks-wise (how quickly we’ve moved on since last week) or economically, socially, intellectually (ah now NIB you’re being too harsh) but we are pretty good when it comes to being good. According to the Times this week, seventy percent of the population give money to charity (as NIB would say if you asked). In fact we have been found by the annual World Giving Index to be the most charitable in Europe! If only we could “donate” some things other than money; Bono for example, or James Reilly. Ryanair, rain, bankers, w*****s etc. Anyway NIB isn’t sure what we’re doing giving all our cash away, it’s not like we’ve pots of gold stashed somewhere, charity starts at home, if you want to give please go to http://www.cash4nib.ie.

So yes, it is true, parts of Cork date back 10,000 years, 500 generations – when they were probably all Americans, the real O’Bamas. The discovery was made while excavations were under way for the M8 motorway and are some of the most important archeological discoveries in the country, but that’s not very funny so we’ll move on.

So, ‘Thieves strip nun’s . . . field’ is the tabloid headline of the week as an eighth of an acre of Brussels sprouts disappeared from a convent garden in Wicklow. So much for miraculous conception, this is a case of mysterious destruction after the nuns floated/hovered/transfigured to their field to discover their bumper crop of Christmas stock had up and left. Not left as much as been lifted. For a start NIB wonders who would be bothered to go out in the middle of the night to abduct some plants? Secondly, from nuns?! Thirdly, they’re Brussels sprouts, famously the worst bit of every Christmas/Sunday dinner ever, never mind lifting them NIB would give them away!

In showbiz news this week Ronan Keating is set to rekindle his career, as a cartoon character. Postman Pat, nonetheless. Apparently R-Keat (you know like R-Patz, R Kelly etc., trust NIB it’ll catch on) is thrilled to be part of the new Pat movie, voicing the singing part of Pat’s role as he takes on a TV talent show to great success. Pat, not Ronan now. Apparently Ronan grew up watching the goings on in Greendale and can’t wait for his kids to see it on the big screen. Now, NIB hates to be negative (shut it) but as we (considerably younger than R-Keat) didn’t know Postman Pat’s village was called Greendale, we highly doubt an Irish popstar from the early nineties did.

Is it Christmas yet? NIB is sure we’ve opened about three hundred doors on our advent calendar at this point. If anyone has any suggestions they would like to put forward for this year’s NIB yearly round-up please send them on now, save us a job lads, go on.

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