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News in Brief- Irish Emigrants Blamed For STD Influx In NZ

irishAlan Shatter is in trouble this week for apparently offending ‘old’ prostitutes. Honestly, the man has experienced anti-semitic hatred and cruel personal jibes recently and then he goes and calls prostitutes working in Ireland ‘old’. Actually, the story is not quite as clear-cut as tabloid headlines would have us believe, SHOCK and AWE. He wasn’t calling all prostitutes old, just some.

Our international reputation isn’t doing so well either after an article in the New York Times has caused uproar, depicting life in post-Tiger Ireland. According to the piece produced by Liz Alderman, there’s a man in Shankill in Dublin who shoots and BBQ’s pigeons to survive. The story has met widespread disapproval from locals and councillors of Shankill alike; Fine Gael TD Mary Mitchell O’Connor said she rejects the description of the town and the main subject of the article, who used to own boats and a five-bedroom house and now resorts to pigeon shooting on the street to survive. NIB isn’t sure, perhaps Shankill is the social equivalent of Mordor, I mean American’s don’t normally exaggerate do they?

And not just in New York is our beautiful green isle is being slandered in the press, in New Zealand we’re being blamed for an increase in sexually transmitted diseases with an article in The Press Newspaper linking a rise in chlamydia with an increase in the number of Irish emigrants. The piece was accompanied by a cartoon showing two men in green jackets entering an STD clinic. How comes they were just men New Zealand? Sexists. And why green jackets? Colourists! How very dare they.

So we eat street pigeons and we’re riddled, oh and our prostitutes are all old hags lovely. As it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, NIB hoped things would be a bit more cheery this week, but instead we are met with something sinister. Seriously sinister.

Ryanair are offering free flights for parents AND children out of Shannon Airport over the weekend to ‘meet Santa in the sky’. Six flights will operate, each lasting forty minutes and all for free. This story brings to mind something Samuel L. Jackson said in the seminal ‘Snakes On A Plane’, about a certain snake on a certain plane. Hhhmmm.

Stand by your television sets, Enda will be making an address to the nation on Sunday to mark the end of the bailout and thank us all for putting up with the shit-storm caused by those in power. NIB is making an address to the nation now, stand by your sets and be ready to turn them off.

The one redeeming news story of this week? JEDWARD ARE BACK. Thank jaysus, the Grimes twins have finished their promotional tour of Australia and are firmly planted back in Dublin to perform twice a day in the Dublin Bus Panto. Apparently this year they will be covering the infamous Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball along with their own version of twerking the ‘Jedward-shake’. It’s just too much excitement NIB’s off for a lie down.

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