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A Year in Brief: Part Two

sineadandmiley

Part two of NIB’s yearly round-up because 2013 was just too good! (Read part one here).

Dublin’s new bridge, crossing the Liffey at Marlborough Street and connecting Luas lines on each side of the river, was on the lookout for a name. A list of 85 possibilities was suggested by the public which was then shortlisted by Dublin City Council to 17. Some suggestions in a comments thread on The Times website included: Bosco Bridge; Daniel Day Luas Bridge (nice); Da Plain People O’Ireland Bridge; Jedward Bridge; and NIB favourite, the Feckin’ Bridge.

The proposed headquarters for Anglo Irish Bank, sold to the Central Bank in 2012, standing in Dublin’s North Quay were vandalised. Despite having CCTV and security arrangements in place the shell of a building was daubed with anti-Semitic slurs. The aptly named, At Risk Security monitor the land directly behind the site; they are now considering a name change to We’ve Got a Great Big Dog So Feck Off Security.

Apparently there were too many cars using the motorways in 2013, despite the €1bn that was spent doing them up three years ago. What were we to expect next, too many people paying the household charge and the country not in enough debt? According to the National Roads Authority our motorways were at “safe operational capacity” which makes NIB wonder what our roads are actually good at if not being roads, and what might happen if they breach? Collapse into the Earth’s core? Apocalyptic meltdown? Will Galway become an entirely separate nation?

The abortion legislation war raged on as TD’s came under fire from the pro-life mob over the proposed bill. Enda was sent letters written in blood and one or part of the group threatened to cut throats, rather odd given their stance on human rights. Fianna Fáil Senator Brian Ó’Domhnaill reckoned legislation legalising abortion shouldn’t be passed for cases in which it is known a child will be born disabled. Otherwise he fears, we will be ridding Ireland of its chances at the Special Olympics proving himself to be pretty bloody special.

200 men between 21 and 30 applied to be official Rose of Tralee escorts this year with Henry Healy from Offaly the success story. He beat off the competition at an interview and selection process saying he always knew he’d wanted to be an escort, but as he turns 29 this year – the cut off age for application being 30 – he knew his time was now or never. At the Moneygall Offaly Rose selection night earlier in the year Henry’s mind was made up. As were those of three other desperate- sorry hopeful men, however the papers reported the other three inexplicably failed to fill in their application forms. Henry would love to go to Vegas, names his favourite film as (the seminal) White Chicks and is; ‘willing and able to fulfil any of their [Rose’s] requests.’ Insert dodgy winking and thigh rubbing here.

But forget the Rose of Tralee there was a much more exciting competition going on, the Lovely Cows. The Lovely Cows competition in Cavan is by far superior to The Rose, judging, as it does, the loveliest of cows. How do you judge a lovely cow? NIB hears you ask, on “dairyness” and “femininity”. And there’s you thinking it was just about their pretty faces. Oh no. They’re talented bovines, reciting Irish poems and performing traditional dance, it’s a wonder it isn’t televised.

Apparently the number of sexually transmitted diseases is rising, you dirty bunch of bastards. Cases of genital herpes and Chlamydia are at worrying levels according to research by the country’s sexual health clinics. Maybe news of Alan Shatter’s racy novel Laura being re-released got couples hot under the collar, unable to resist temptation. Just picturing Shatter’s face should put a stop to that.

Should we abolish daylight saving time? That is the question in the Dáil today. The Brighter Evenings Bill, which sounds rather nice, has been put forward by Labour TD Tommy Broughan and would see us using the same time zone as wider Europe. Hhhmm, doing the same thing as Europe, that’s never got us into trouble before has it? If the bill was passed it could mean fewer hours spent in wintry darkness, but you know the government would find a way to tax our sun consumption.

David Norris won the inaugural NIB award for best quote of the year after the “controversial” senator accused Fine Gael TD Regina Doherty of ’talking through her fanny’ in relation to her comments of the abolition of the Seanad. Amazing.

Fine Gael TD Alan Farrell received the inaugural “worst quote of the year” and managed to make an arse of himself while trying to say something sensible. In regard to the scandal between Sinead O’Connor and Miley Cyrus, (open letter-gate) Farrell attempted to approve Sinead’s stance on the denigration of women, on the Late Late Show. However he prefaced this with: ‘I think Sinead O’Connor is mad as a brush’. Rather missing her point of mental health awareness. Well done Alan.

Apparently Health Minister, and NIB favourite, James Reilly, wants the country to be tobacco free by 2025. Or at least that’s what his smiling face on the advertising says. Behind the scenes it’s highly unlikely the government would outlaw one of the biggest revenue earners and key tool in keeping the masses in hand. More likely is Ireland will become tobacco free, but we’ll all be addicted to million euro gold cigarillos made of ground up unicorn horns.

Trouble in Cork after the council spotted Rebel Week organisers calling Michael Collins a langer. Yes, in a promotional “Rebel Passport” under the name Michael Collins, the city’s hero had his gender listed as ‘langer’ . Classy, for the man celebrated by the city during the week-long rebel festivities. The offending word was spotted by Fine Gael Council (ahem) members who had to recall all 100,000 copies of the brochure.

In Waterford, the former president of the Institute of Technology was pursued to on an expenses scandal during his time as premier. Among the litany of expensive flights, taxi trips to and from Dublin, fine art and flowers that WIT want paying for were also a couple of books: Claudia Carroll’s ‘I Never Fancied Him Anyway’ and Jill Mansell’s romantic romp ‘Mixed Doubles’. Oo Er. There’s no accounting for taste. (An expenses based joke, I thank you.)

Following reports Angela Merkel thinks her phones been bugged Enda chipped in with a bit of advice. ‘I always operate on the basis my calls are listened to’ the Taoiseach seemingly told the German premier. No one cares that you’re on the bus and missing Fair City though Enda, stop shouting.

Politician Danny Healy-Rae has cemented his place in the nation’s heart after stating he was too busy to become a “TV heartthrob”. In what can only be described as a story written by Graham Linehan and Arthur Matthews, Healy-Rae felt forced to comment after the success of TV3′s Monday night programme “At Home with the Healy Raes”. ‘I’ve no time to go into the filum making business’ Danny commented in NIB imagines his strong Kerry brogue, ‘If they want to do any more I’d have to give up my role as a councillor and go into competition with all the latest TV heartthrobs. But I’m sorry, I don’t have time for that.’ He went on. PLEASE DANNY!

So, ‘Thieves strip nun’s . . . field’ is the tabloid headline of the week as an eighth of an acre of Brussels sprouts disappeared from a convent garden in Wicklow. So much for miraculous conception, this is a case of mysterious destruction after the nuns floated/hovered/transfigured to their field to discover their bumper crop of Christmas stock had up and left. Not left as much as been lifted. NIB only wonders who would steal from nuns, and why sprouts?

Image courtesy of Mashable.com

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