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News in Brief – Water Scandal Breaks As Kemp Fears Dublin Death

rosskemp

50, 85, 100, 180, not the winning Lotto numbers but the ever climbing bill for Irish Water. Imagine. We’ve been paying for our water through our tax contributions for years, so surely now paying a fee for it shouldn’t incur extra cost, if anything it should just be cash in the bank shouldn’t it? Wrong. Actually, water, the thing that falls freely from the sky a lot, is going to cost us a fortune in IT systems. And it was necessary for a lot of consultants to consult on this before consulting with the Government about how much more consultations and cash were needed. If only the Government had “consulted” NIB, we could have told them it would cost a lot and basically sounds like a crap plan, all for a pint and a packet of Tayto. NIB thinks it was Phil Hogan that said; ‘You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.’ An awful lot of expensive consultancy eggs.

NIB obviously doesn’t understand the complex inner working of the Government anyway, like Brendan Howlin’s public service reform, to reduce costs and increase productivity the best idea is to sack people and then outsource their jobs. This is part of the ‘rationalising’ of state agencies which includes data sharing, public services cards and the rolling out of unnecessary postcodes for the good of the country and the economy as a whole. NIB would use a different word than rationalising that sounds like bullocks.

Ross Kemp might be coming! Ross Kemp might be coming! The ex-EastEnder turned documentary film-maker, an enigma wrapped in the body of a poor-man’s Danny Dyer, wants to film a series on Dublin gangs but only on the proviso he ‘doesn’t get killed’. For his Extreme Worlds series he went to Belfast last year to join in on the 12th July, now he says he wouldn’t mind covering gangland culture in Dublin and Limerick.

NIB loves nothing more than Dublin City Council naming things (remember the bridge last year?). Now it’s the Spire, they want to re-name it Nelson, or Mandela Spire or something, to mark the passing of Nelson Mandela. A nice idea, if not particularly Irish. As usual though the best bit about stories like these is the comments they spawn. Two commentators were incensed by the news; ‘What nonsense will they think of next? Renaming Parnell Square Soweto?’ and ‘we could rename Dublin, Mandela City’ with just a tiny, wee hint of sarcasm. Most slated the idea as ‘stupid’ but best comment of all; ‘What’s the point?’ Round of applause for that man. Actually, as it turns out, Dublin City Council can’t actually name monuments after people until they’ve been dead for twenty years so, that’s that really. Although for future reference NIB would just like to put a punt in now for ‘Ross Kemp’s Seriously Dangerous Spike’.

A Cobh man has been short-listed for a mission to Mars! IT engineer Steve Menaa (45) went through an audition-like process in the search for people to live on Mars. Mr Menaa had to submit a one-minute video detailing why he wanted to live on the red planet for the Mars One project, a privately funded enterprise that seeks to see us settled in space. If he makes it through he’ll face eight years of astronaut training as well as learning how to produce crops in confined spaces and deal with medical problems that may arise. You’ll see NIB on a spaceship before we start giving them anymore cash.

And finally, it’s the Year of the Beard. If you have a beard or moustache, make full-time student and Ballincollig native, David Duff’s day by heading to the first “official” meet-up of the Irish Beard and Moustache Association at the Slate Bar, Tuckey Street on Friday, January 25th at 7pm. The more turn up, the higher the chance Ireland will get to host the World Beard and Moustache Championships in 2017 or 2019. Go on then! What are you waiting for?!

Oh dear, bit ranty this week wasn’t it? Until next week, NIB is off to get back in our box . . .

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