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News in Brief – Irish Spring Break Is Upon Us

Enda-Kenny

A man has been handed down a suspended sentence after telling Gardai to “shut the f*** up”. The man, who has previous convictions and is a recovering heroin addict apparently, became enraged when his partner didn’t win a community award: Tallaght Person of the Year. After a public row he snatched her handbag and stalked off only to be picked up by Gardai. Sure we’d all be raging if we didn’t win Tallaght Person of the Year.

He should give auld Enda a call. The Taoiseach is in Washington singing the Wild Rover with Mr O’Mahoneybama and has told a press conference if people have a problem with the way he’s doing things they can give him a ring. His number is public after all. This has given NIB an idea.

Graham Norton is apparently set to release a new book detailing his past loves. One of Ireland’s biggest exports the Cork comedian is going to let us into his world, whether we want to go or not. Call Enda!

Norton is not the only Irish export in the news this week. For the weekend that’s in it the lads have all been sent off on their “trade missions” cough-spring break-cough. Phil Hogan has been talking about Irishness in the run-up and told journalists at the beginning of the week that Ireland, ”has a reputation”, “makes a contribution” and is “respected” around the world. What reputation could he be talking about? A pint of the what-stuff? And our contribution? Sales of green, white and orange tat and the need for financial support. As for respected, NIB is concerned we’re more respected as a liability than a European power.

Let us now turn to another news story to illustrate. A psychic in Wexford has been hit with a €168,000 tax bill for undeclared revenue and fines. She didn’t see that coming! (Thanks to David Delaney on Independent.ie and the 300 hundred others that sent that one in). This isn’t the first time NIBs has reported such a story which causes us to beg when will the public realise psychics aren’t real, particularly if they don’t foresee they’re own visit from the revenue commission. Seriously, call Enda!

Sometimes we are just too silly. Like one of the many Stags and Hens that have been warned about getting lost in Carrick-on-Shannon. If you’re heading for a wild weekend locals have warned the town turns into an impenetrable maze at night, after a few too many pints of Pinot Grigio. While it has always been a popular location there has been a dramatic recent rise in visitors to the area to party who are then unable to find their way back to their accommodation. The area has now become infested with feral party-goers and Phil Hogan. Someone call Enda!

Bono’s been in the papers during the week because apparently everyone always gives him a hard time. Poor little fella. Seriously lads, this is our contribution to the wider world. Call Enda! At least we have one redeeming feature. BoD. Thank god for BoD. Have a good Paddy’s weekend and if you get lost in Carrick-on-Shannon, or not, call Enda!

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