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News in Brief- Tesco Launch Not So Eggcellent Trolley Deposit Scheme

jedward

For the day that’s in it and those of you that are in the office and in need of some NIB to brighten your day, let’s kick off with a catastrophe in Kerry.

A crucifix has the whole place divided as councillors can’t decide where to hang the thing in their local offices. Some councillors argue the inclusion of a crucifix, on their office wall; will promote sectarian divisions and religious inequality, while others think the mere presence of a little MDF son of God will make people more honest. Jesus, no pun intended (maybe a little bit); if a wooden statue could stop people lying we’d all be working under mini-statues of our mammies. Councillor Toirèasa Ferris, who labels herself a Christian, opposes the idea as she said; ‘where does religion come into pothole filling’. The councillors have obviously forgotten the real meaning of Easter which is entirely chocolate based.

Tesco in Ballymun understand, they know there are too many Easter eggs and not enough time. Just don’t grab too many, it’ll cost you a tenner for the use of a trolley. The new deposit scheme has been implemented after ‘massive trolley loss’. What constitutes ‘massive’ trolley loss exactly NIB wonders? Who knows though, they may rise again in a few days.

Talking of things rising again, they are back. NIB’s favourite brothers are back, Jedward, are set to release new material soon. It’s like all our Easters have come at once, you can take your chocolate eggs, it’s the TWINS!

Joan Burton’s got big plans to extend her free labour force, even if you’re still in school. She reckons Irish people aren’t inherently lazy (thanks Joan), we want to work, but we haven’t had enough experience to put us in the way of potential positions. Minister Burton is proposing more implementation of work experience schemes to the young, before they’ve even reached college, which isn’t entirely a bad idea, except Joan has a bit of history when it comes to making people work for little or no reward as part of a ‘scheme’. Extending this to kids was the logical next step, then the elderly, infirm and deceased.

If you’re in college though things are much better. Sod work experience, spend the afternoon with a dog! Trinity have announced they will be opening a pop-up puppy petting shop for one day only, for stressed students to stroke away their exam worries. It is strictly only open to Trinity students though, for a small donation to PETA. If anyone would like to donate a puppy to NIB we could use it.

Anyway, hope you’re all enjoying your Good Friday. NIB doesn’t know what’s good about it, we’re in the office. We hope you sick up all your Easter eggs. So there!

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

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