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News in Brief: MP Suggests Ireland Join British Commonwealth

 

michaelfabricant

Tory MP With A Great Thatch

The Cabinet is being rifled with again, like a bowl of crap crisps at a party. Apparently the Taoiseach has said it will be in September after the European elections and could see Ruairi Quinn sent to the back of the class in the Department of Education. A senior source though has said no one really knows what’s going on. Sure if they don’t know who’s in charge of what, how will we know who to complain about?

A fella in Dublin is complaining, about his complete lack of golfing ability. In fact he is selling his clubs after coming to the realisation ‘I’m a danger to both myself and everyone else on the golf course’. Aww. The vendor, Ciaran, has declared himself the worst golfer in the world and is also selling some other golfing kit on Done Deal, ‘Also included is a Sureshot GPS unit for measuring distance to front/middle/ back of green on each hole. Please note this is only of use if you have any balls left to hit.’

Perhaps we should stop complaining though and join the British Commonwealth . . . . *tumbleweed blows by* . . . no? A Tory MP thinks it would be a good idea; ‘With such close links of geography, trade, culture and of course family ties, what does the next stage of this relationship look like? This is not so mad as it might at first seem.’ Michael Fabricant stated. Except it kinda is, we haven’t always been the best of friends. Still before you take too much notice, he’s recently been let go as vice chairman of the Conservative Party for being a bit of a loose cannon and NIB thinks that could be just for the rug, (pictured above) that is a mighty fine thatch.

There was some confusion over whether Ryan Tubridy was actually dead after a satirical Waterford Whispers article suggested he had died inside during a live interview with Cuba Gooding Jnr on The Late Late show in 2011. It was a joke lads, have a day off.

Burglars in Stillorgan have been threatened with being dead on the outside after residents have taken it on themselves to carry out vigilante rules, well vigilante posters. The signs that have been put up around one housing estate encourage residents to equip themselves with a hurl/golf club (eh up Ciaran, might have a sale in Stillorgan!) to clobber the ‘sewer crawling rats’. Those apostrophes were the poster-makers own, they’re only like sewer crawling rats. Well he doesn’t want to be nasty. A local councillor reassured resident mob rule isn’t in effect just yet, commenting he didn’t know if it was. ‘just a teaser campaign’. ~Spoilers!

And finally, only in Ireland, bin firms around the country are facing fines for not taking out the rubbish. What a load of crap!

Image courtesy of Youtube

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