News in Brief – Shatter Resigns As Kenny Morphs Into Putin


Before we kick off can you all take a minute to imagine the theme to The Apprentice . . . got it? OK now we can start.

Alan Shatter has left the building. While the Indo asked ‘who trapped the rat in Leinster House?’ The answer became obvious, it was Enda and he was clutching him by his whiskery tail.

So Shatter has resigned and the future of the justice system is restored, well not exactly, but it’s bound to be a bit better right? RIGHT?! Former social worker Frances Fitzgerald has stepped up to the plate so hopefully she has a better idea of right and wrong. That’s beside the point though what NIB would like to draw everyone’s attention to is that Kenny has taken over Defence. Put a crown on him and call him Putin. Surely putting our dear leader in charge of the country’s defence policy is like appointing him leader of all things. Maybe NIB is exaggerating but you just wait, when the words ‘5-year-plans’ slip out you’ll know we warned you!

Alan Shatter wasn’t really the rat in Leinster House though, there was an actual rat. Apparently some concerned TD’s took the precaution of tucking their trousers into their socks, as if a rat would want to touch them with a long smelly stick. Poor old ratty Roland was soon caught by Labour’s Kevin Humphreys though and within the hour Rentokil had turned up. Reportedly they offered Enda a discount to take Shatter at the same time but he declined. More wasted public money.

In other animal based news (there’s a theme developing this week): A retired soldier this week saved a baby octopus from CERTAIN DEATH. Patrick O’Rourke, 70, goes swimming in the sea most days to keep himself fit, but at his usual spot, North Beach in Rush he noticed something peculiar. On closer inspection he identified the octopus (not just a pretty face), washed up on the shore and returned it to the sea. He reckons it even stopped to turn round and say thank you, but that sounds a bit fishy to NIB.*

And finally, in a notably slow week, it seems the Irish population prefer Marty Whelan to the likes of George Clooney and why wouldn’t we? He’s a great bunch of lad. Clooney’s cover of the RTE Guide was this year’s worst seller, whereas Whelan was up there with the greats. Not even Ryan Tubridy in a Toy Show sweater could match that man.

Well, that’s about enough of that, can we have another bank holiday weekend? NIB could use it.

*NIB would like to apologise for a particular poor fish pun. It’s been a long week.

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