News in Brief – We Need To Talk About Alan



Hold the phone, it’s hot outside! Well, NIB doesn’t know where you are but it’s hot here! Hurrah!

Despite that though we need to talk about Alan.

Despite being sacked (resigned, whatever?!) Shatter still seems to be up to something scheduling secret meetings with Enda. Sinn Fein have kicked off about it because they weren’t invited to what was bound to be a jelly and ice-cream event, but the Taoiseach’s office has stated it was simply a misunderstanding and no meetings actually took place. Neither Shatter nor Kenny was available to comment as both were busy naked jelly wrestling.

The news has a distinctly criminal theme to it this week starting with a naked thief who kicked up a fuss during his court appearance after the Gardai provided him with a meal of chicken dippers and chips when he had clearly asked for GOUJONS! Actually he asked for a snack box but you know, potato, patato. The defendant was in Ennis Circuit Court for a theft charge where he had decided to represent himself, in only his boxers, before he started kicking off about his lunch.

A whole hape of cannabis has been found in a consignment of toilets imported to the country. They were flushed out (1) after a yard was searched in Meath, leaving the ‘owner’ of the prohibited goods 500k down. Crap! (2) the Guards have shut the lid (3) on another drug dealing operation, making the country a more hygienic place? (That one doesn’t count).

Need a new car? Want a nice little number with which to woo the ladies? AND with bullet proof windows? The look no further is currently advertising a Mercedes cI420 coupe previously owned by Joe Dolan. ‘First owned by Ireland’s finest entertainer JOE DOLAN’ the advert states: ‘This is worth a lot of money to the right person as the great JOE DOLAN from Mullingar was the first man to own this car.’ The asking price is €4,750 and the highest offer is currently at €3,000 so you better be quick!

One man who could buy it in a flash is Donald Trump who’s been over for a little holiday. Rather than returning to the US with a novelty Guinness shot-glass though Trump will be returning with Trump International Golf Links and Hotel. A $50m investment in our country he reckons. He was met with a suitably simpering reception from the Minister for Finance who obviously also hadn’t been invited to Alan and Enda’s party. There was even a red carpet and a string quartet because Noonan literally has nothing better to do. This story isn’t even funny really it just makes NIB sad . . .

Still, did we mention it’s warm outside?! Positively sizzling! Go on get out, get out!

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