News in Brief: Heatwave Prompts D’Arcy To Court The Snip

American consumption of Kerrygold is all wrong (image:

American consumption of Kerrygold is all wrong (image:

NIB hopes you have all sufficiently wept at our silence last week, we were away, topping up our milky tan. In the meantime it’s been hot lads, fierce hot. Mammies are making salads for god’s sake, the end is nigh.

It’s obviously getting to Ray D’Arcy who’s going to have the snip, live, on his show on Today FM. The decision came about after discussing the operation with a doctor, as most good decisions do. As the doc explained the simple procedure D’Arcy, in a heat wave reckoned he’d do it, while everyone at home listened. Whether he goes through with it is yet to be decided but rumours are TV3 are already planning a spin-off ‘Celebrity Castration: Live’ to air in the same slot as the Late Late.

In the Dail they’re all demented. But that’s not news, this week they’ve been discussing the ancestry of cattle (silly season? What now?). Pat Rabbitte was deputising for Enda who was off for a dip in the Liffey. Discussing the important issue of farmers being undercharged for their cattle on either side of the border Rabbitte explained: ‘The difficulty of whether a beast is Irish or Northern Irish has its roots in Irish history’ before reminding everyone of the annual bovine bonfires on the 13th July. Agriculture Minister Simon Coveney has come under fire for allowing unfair regulations.

Americans should be used to more extreme weather conditions so there’s no excuse for them putting Kerrygold in their coffee. That’s right, a bit of butter in their coffee. NIB knows they love anything O’Irish over there but this is going too far. Apparently the fatty drink is great for perking you up throughout the day and the high quality butter produced by Kerrygold cows contains added health benefits. This is in a country with a renowned weight problem. Coveney should get involved and halt exports immediately.

It seems life isn’t too bad on the inside. 200,000 tubs of ice-cream have been ordered to supply the prison service to stop a mass uprising of hot and bothered inmates. Half of the order is headed to Mountjoy with the rest being spread across the country. NIB wouldn’t want to be there though when they realise there’s no flakes for their 99s.

If you go down to the Grand Canal today beware of a big surprise FLESH EATING BUGS! A teenager who frequents Dublin’s waterways found a ‘gaping hole’ in his back a few days after a swim, before another similar wound appeared. Apparently there’s a notice not to swim there, but I never heard of it.” His mother said, Jaysus if only those signs could talk! Apparently sport mad, the teenager has now been banned from any further swimming or sports activities for the rest of the summer, telling the Indo; “I’ll just have to walk around all day or sleep.”

Don’t say NIB didn’t warn you but all this warm weather’s a curse, a curse we tell ye. Stay inside until it’s all passed over or we can return to more regular news like Bono being a bollix.


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