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News In Brief: It’s HOT

Washing machines live longer in Limerick (image: airbnb.com)

Washing machines live longer in Limerick (image: airbnb.com)

 

What’s happened to the news? Where is it this week? Diving into the Liffey presumably, jaysus lads it’s quare hot. We’ll try our best anyway.

A four-foot-tall Emu has been stolen from a farm in Carlow. Owner Chris Kavanagh is increasingly concerned for the well fare of his big bird: ‘They do not survive on their own. They get very depressed. They’re fierce happy going around together, and they go off for a run now and again. But when they’re alone they get very depressed and they don’t eat.’ If anyone’s seen Imelda – it’s not really called Imelda but NIB likes the sound of it – they’re encouraged to get in touch. Perhaps you know someone who came home late one night after a few and now has a moving lampshade in the living room. Though: ‘I don’t know what anybody would want an emu for.’ Mr Kavanagh added.

One in 40 people living in Dublin are reportedly millionaires making the rest of us look pretty shabby. One millionaire not in Dublin tonight though is Garth Brooks, as Garth-gate finally comes to it’s close, unless there’s a last-minute reprieve – we’re looking at you Enda.

An Post are planning to roll out a new range of mutant post boxes for the ‘digital era’. The boxes promise to post for you, on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter while they will also be fully equipped to not ring your bell and tell you weren’t in when your package was delivered, even though you were RIGHT THERE! Brilliant. They won’t really update your Twitter feed but they will be able to hold packages, much like your house, if the postman actually decided to put the package through the slot rather than leave it out in the rain, or ignore you as you try to prize it from his hands. That’s progress for you.

In further examples on non-news, Mick Wallace and Clare Daly got arrested for doing something illegal. A Limerick woman has a washing machine that’s lasted 26 years (it’s true!), her first machine lasted a whopping thirty so all fingers are crossed her current appliance makes it to Christmas. And the Dundalk Democrat led with a story about the shining in Louth.

Not only is there NO news NIB has had enough of the fecking heat. You’ll be glad to know the lads at Met Eireann think this is going to be the last hot day ever, or at least for a while, thanks be to God we haven’t the energy to sweat anymore.

 

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