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News In Brief: Joan’s Phone-Gate Ruins World Egg Day

Joan Burton demonstrates her own new phone (image: Independent.ie)

Joan Burton demonstrates her own new phone (image: Independent.ie)

It’s that time of the week again, NIB knows you all sit prostrate and silent waiting for your weekly News in Brief, well here it is.

It seems a week cannot pass without Joan Burton saying something stupid. This time it was water meter protestors who she said: “Seem to have extremely expensive phones, tablets, video cameras. There has been the most extensive filming in relation to any of these actions that I have ever seen anywhere. Hollywood would be in the ha’penny place compared to what’s done here.” Holy mother of God! How could they? They’re obviously all social-welfare scrounging, JobBridge dropouts aren’t they Joan?! People on the dole shouldn’t be allowed food let alone phones, the shtate this country’s in, if only we didn’t have to fund Joan’s massive salary, free top-of-the-range devices, car and fecking dry cleaning.

Meanwhile in the Dail they were discussing removing the morning’s opening prayer (do you ever think how mad it is that our politicians sit around and talk about shite for hours, just for the craic?) Of course it’s all just a cover for playground-politics and evading the real issues, but Clare Daly thinks saying a prayer in the morning is “offensive”. It is part of a wider battle to get a law from 1855 prosecuting blasphemy removed from the constitution. But Clare, if no-ones given a shite since 1855 why should we bother now? They’ll only have to reprint the whole constitution (probably on pretty pink paper with a laminated cover) before they decided there’s a law banning cutting your toe nails they want to scrap.

In much better news from Meath Rose, the castaway cow, is home once more. The poor thing and her calf had been lost for two months when they randomly turned up on an island in Lough Breakey. Rose (the BEST name for a cow) had eaten her way through the islands foliage and given birth to her bouncing baby alone while stranded. A bit of a mystery, no one knows how she got there; it’s a moot (heyhey!) point as she was rescued with the help of Meath River Rescue who harnessed her up and let her swim behind them all the way back to shore, mum and calf are now back on the farm with a Late Late Show appearance scheduled for the next fortnight. A very moooving story.

In other international bovine news, Red Bull look set to pay out $13million to unhappy customers who have taken issue with the company’s advertising slogan and the fact that Red Bull doesn’t actually give you wings. Ah America, great bunch of lads. A website has been set up to edal with all claims from 2002-present to process refunds or vouchers, no proof of purchase is necessary so if you know anyone in the states who likes canned narcotics let them know, they’ve until March to submit an application.

And that’s it for another NIB, another day and another week. Oh, eggcept it’s World Egg Day! (First spuds now this, will NIB never get the bunting down again?!) If Joan’s phone-scandal hasn’t put a downer on your day enjoy a scramble or omlette. But remember kids, eggs aren’t just for Egg Day they’re for throwing at Enda.

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