News In Brief: Gay Cows, Water Rows And One Man’s Giant Marrow

Benjy the 'gay' bull faces the burger. (image:

Benjy the ‘gay’ bull faces the burger. (image:

According to South Korea NIB is too drunk to do their job properly this week, because of Ireland’s “alcoholism nature” but we’ll try our best.

You must have seen this story by now, a young teacher was refused a job in South Korea on the grounds the Irish are a bunch of drunks. Sure you wouldn’t want to work over there anyway they’re a fierce dry bunch of lads.

Remember, remember Thursday’s in November. According to the Injuries Board (great bunch of lads unlike some!) it’s the fourth day of the week in November that most workplace accidents occur, more than any other time of the year. Apparently the average award for a workplace accident increased from €27,286 in 2012 to €28,886 last year. But, their study also shows men get paid more in compensation than women! Although in an act of karma, men are twice as likely to get injured, ha, probably too busy waving their mickeys about. Men, pah!

Talking of the un-fairer sex, Benjy, a Mayo bull, is facing the slaughterhouse because apparently he’s gay. Well done Ireland, round of applause. Apparently the farmer who is remaining anonymous told the Irish Daily Mail he is ‘resigned’ to the animal’s sexuality. He bought him last year having been tested; “everything was normal” until he discovered none of his cows were preggers. He thought he may have been a “discreet chappie” who didn’t want to do his thing, but then started chasing his man friends around. Poor Benjy, he’s off to make some nice burgers though, nice and pink in the middle.

Have you been protesting about water charges? You could be part of a “sinister fringe” (like that one Hitler had?) according to the transport minister Leo Varadkar. He was speaking about a protest at Coolock were 21 Garda cars lined the streets, almost outnumbering the protestors. Varadkar told Newstalk “it’s only a matter of time before someone gets hurt or worse” leading NIB to suggest Mr Varadkar learns to control an Garda Síochána then.

Aaand finally an Irish grandad has grown a five-and-a-half-stone marrow. It’s so heavy he can’t even lift it apparently “I put it on a big sack and two of us grab the corners and we have to carry it on that” he told the Indo in an explosive expose. It’s not the only time he’s grown a whopper though he’s also had a 10ft 7inch carrot, a similarly sized parsnip, a 3.5lb potato and 39inch runner bean. AND he’s got a cabbage in the ground that’s too big to dig up measuring four-foot in diameter. It seems we’ve a celebrity on our hands as Mr Crowley the marrow man has been in Amateur Garden Magazine twice with a radish that was almost 15ft long. NIB’s heading to Mr Crowley’s for dinner! The marrow won’t be on the menu though; “You couldn’t eat a marrow that big”.

Jaysus what a load of news, NIB needs a lie down, see you next week.


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