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News In Brief: Keith Barry Predicts Mary-Lou May Join The Jam Tarters

The only surviving picture from earlier this year when Mary-Lou and Gerry got stuck on a fence (Image:belfasttelegraph.co.uk)

The only surviving picture from earlier this year when Mary-Lou and Gerry got stuck on a fence (Image:belfasttelegraph.co.uk)

 

NIB opens this week by wondering if Mary-Lou is still in the Dáil? What craic! Staging a sit in (if you didn’t see it, where were you?) so everyone else could have a long weekend, good girl Mary Lou! It’s not the first time she’s got stuck somewhere though, on a press outing with her Dear Leader Gerry she previously got stuck on a fence. Then there was the “swing incident”, the Henry Street Penneys Protest and the reports this time last year she’d positioned herself on a seat in an industrial estate in Swords, although strangely Sinn Fein deny that one. Most recent reports in the popular press have hinted Martin O’Neill is eyeing Mary-Lou for Ireland’s upcoming match, that’s if she’ll leave Leinster House.

In other political news this week Joan Burton has been compared to Margaret Thatcher … in a good way …. Last Friday the Tánaiste was named Woman of the Year by Tatler magazine – whose staff were clearly pissed. They didn’t call the Iron Lady though, that was Michèal Martin who criticised Joan’s budget cuts to social protection, to be honest though Michèal, NIB thinks you’re being too nice.

A factory worker has been fired for eating a jam tart. An Employment Appeals Tribunal ruled the worker had been fairly dismissed after a security manager gave evidence he saw two employees engaging in “suspicious behaviour”, standing beside a cage!!! When the manager later went to inspect the cage he found a box of jam tarts damaged and two missing in what witnesses have described as truly life altering. The guilty party cannot be legally named due to a witness protection scheme now in place; Jam Tart Survivors groups have been quick to condemn him, even Joan Burton likened him to Mussolini for his abhorrent actions.

In much more interesting news a roundabout in Co Cork has made it into the 20145 World Roundabouts Calendar! The traffic diverging mound has been described as “an explosion of colour” featuring a “somewhat erotic stone sculpture featuring two entwined stallions with mounted male figures.” This was from Kevin Beresford (the self-titled Lord of the Rings) of the UK’s Roundabout Appreciation Society. Explaining his decision to include the “global gyratory” Kevin said; “Roundabouts really do not come much better than this.” And with that NIB keeled over and died.

Keith Barry, the “Mentalist” made some pretty exciting predictions last week including the greatest snow in Irish history this Christmas, an oil spill of Mexico and the Book of Kells being stolen, only one of which shows any inkling of becoming true, and even then… A copy of the famous book was stolen, according to police reports, in the last few weeks from a church in Meath. Crime of the century? It’s no jam tart and not exactly a miracle is it? Suggesting someone might steal something if anything probably just inspired the crime (and they would have got away with it, it if it wasn’t for Barry and his bloody premonitions).

Talking of which NIB would just like to predict that if we meet Keith Barry (after losing a massive double on QPR) he’ll need to run pretty bloody fast.

Eugh, that’s enough, what a load of rubbish (apart from the roundabout) NIB’s off to a meeting of the Jam Tart Alliance, we’re trying to recruit Mary-Lou.

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