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News In Brief: How Not To Be A Sinful Santa

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Sometimes you can’t make the news up, rather you can’t make the people who make the news up. NIB is thinking specifically here of the author who might remain nameless (NIB could change their mind) of The Kilkenny Journal. Their lead story this week: ‘Paedophiles set to pose as gays to marry and adopt kids’. At first NIB thought it was a joke, then we wished it was. According to the splash, predatory paedophiles are already flocking to Ireland in preparation for the gay marriage bill that will be going through the Dail in the spring. Once married they will use their status as happily married couples to adopt and then abuse children. NIB repeats, this is not a joke, this has actually been published online under the guise of actual factual reporting. Listen lads, it’s time to turn off the internet. We obviously can’t have nice things if this is how we behave.

Moving speedily on to some much less serious stories that we can actually take the piss out of, Bus Eireann have banned their drivers from wearing Santa suits for the festive season. Massive sad face. Apparently it’s to do with “health & safety” (we really resisted elf & safety there) sparking a protest on the 214 in Cork. A representative of the travel company said: “Drivers must be recognised as controllers of a large vehicle – not as Santa Claus” bah humbus! (Bus humbug?).

In other motoring news a Church of Ireland Reverend stopped for speeding apparently told a guard “he didn’t give a f**k” and that she could chase him, for the craic. The Rev was late on his way for a Communion and was clocked doing 135km in a 100km zone, however when he was pulled over he became “verbally abusive” and started revving his engine before telling the officer “Religious week, hope you’re prosecuting everybody.” That’s the Christian spirit of the season for you.

The Gardai have helpfully published a list of safety tips for this year’s festivities (including not speeding if you’re a Priest): Don’t get your shopping stolen, cop on at ATMs and lock your front door are just a few examples of the collated advice. They also suggest, if you’re going away, leaving a light on to make it look like you’re at home. But NIB’s not stupid, you wait, how many people will come back now to find an Garda Siochana making the most of your free front room for their office party after clocking the light. Turn all your lights off and hide in the dark, then if any burglars or the Gardai turn up you can scare the bollixes into next year!

And that’s it for another week of Irish news. As Christmas approaches remember lock your Priest in your car dressed as Santy and don’t read The Kilkenny Journal.

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