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Posts Tagged ‘ Bono ’

News in Brief- McGuinness & Healy Rae Slip Up As C Word Banned From The Dàil

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So last week we were feeling optimistic, this week we find out burglary, extortion and hijacking offences are up 34 per cent. But murder is down! Hurrah! But let’s not dwell . . .

In an online report ’controversial’ politician Michael Healy-Rae has apparently called for rural dwellers to be allowed to own guns to protest themselves. No that wasn’t a typo by News in Brief. But presumably a rather large one online. Else the austerity protests are about to take a nasty turn. Continue reading

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News in Brief-Astronaut Set For Late Late Bono Date?

CHIs anyone else starting to find Canadian “celebrity astronaut” Commander Chris Hadfield a little bit annoying? What with his tweeting and singing and constant picture taking of our Emerald Isle. Does he not have space work to be doing rather than instagramming himself in green bow ties and covering Van Morrison tracks with The Chieftains? When he comes back down you can guarantee he’ll be sitting next to Tubridy on the Late Late, buddying up with Bono NIB would bet. Chuh.

In the last year up till the end of January potato prices have risen by 187 per cent. One-hundred and eighty-seven per cent. Jesus. Did anyone know about this? Why wasn’t News in Brief told? Surely this will have major implications on the unsuspecting root veg that forms a large part of our daily diets. Forget cash for gold, cash for crisps is more like it. Comfortingly prices of pigs and calves have remained pretty static – what with the run on horse meat.

Spuds may be up but RTE’s taxi bill is down. The national broadcaster has been doing their bit by reducing their average taxi costs by 12 per cent, not quite a sack of spuds but every little helps. Still their total bill for the year came to €269,298, not the €360,700 initially reported by The Independent (incorrectly supplied by RTE ’in good faith’ whatever that means). Well spent. We wouldn’t want anyone getting their hair wet.

Perhaps it was a bit harsh to have a go at old Commander Hadfield, after all he has provided us with some lovely shots of Ireland from the air for less than a taxi from RTE and a bag of chips. All the bits of the country not covered in wind turbines that is. Those filthy, industrial, death bringing machines (NIB has found a new direction for our ire). That’s right, they’re killing us all. Killing might be a bit strong, but they’re bloody annoying. All right, not really annoying, but THEY EXIST. A group of families in North Cork really don’t like them and are launching a case against the company behind their local turbines, citing they are negatively impacting on their health as well as causing significant noise pollution. Similar cases are now being prepared for other sites, including Wexford and the potential site planned for the midlands is making everyone anxious. However Tim Cowhig, CEO of one of the developers, Element Power, said there is no scientific evidence to link wind turbines to ill health. It’s all just hot air.

Ouch that was a bad one. Anyway, moving on. In lovely celeb news Niall Horan’s (of the 1D) big brother is getting married, in secret, in six days. Greg Horan told the Herald on Thursday it was “crazy having to keep the date of your own wedding secret” with “just seven days” to go. Let’s hope someone points him in the right direction on the big day.

You can put lipstick on a pig but, oh no wait, you can’t anymore. Animal rights activists have recently won a landmark battle to prevent the testing of cosmetics on animals. Hurrah! But now what is NIB meant to do on a rainy afternoon?*

*NIB does not advocate putting lipstick on pigs, however covering chickens in body glitter . . .

Five Must See Irish Acts in 2013

The-Strypes-300x192The Irish music scene has become a diversified space in recent years. We’re famous for our traditional and country music, with the odd U2, Thin Lizzy or Westlife thrown in the mix. But recently a wave of new young talent has burst onto the music scene.

We look at the top five Irish acts you must catch this year. Move aside Bono… Continue reading

News In Brief-Rat Plane Crashes In Dublin As Sports Team Go Off The Ball

Rats Safe After Airport Crash

Rats Safe After Airport Crash

If News in Brief can’t be bothered this week can we blame it on tooth ache like Rory McIlroy? Only joking News in Brief is always on the ball. Unlike the Newstalk sports pundits behind the ’Off The Ball’ team, they’re definitely off: the ball, the side and the airwaves. The group’s departure comes after the lads were not allowed the option of moving from 7pm to 6pm for fears listeners would not be receptive and incurring the wrath of George Hook. Despite the possibility of a swift swop to RTE any transfer deals haven’t been signed as yet and it’s getting closer to extra time (very proud of all those sport references). It’s a shame they left this week, there was some kind of ball game on Tuesday wasn’t there? Continue reading

News in Brief-Reilly Stuck In A Moment He Can’t Get Out Of As Bono Labels Himself “Jumped Up Jesus”

pope_bonoThe papacy is empty, the red shoes are returned and God’s getting the engaged tone. Pope Benedict XVI has held his final audience during which he stated he no longer had “the mind or body” to carry on with the job – it’s never stopped the Rolling Stones – and so off he scooted in the ’Popemobile’. News in Brief has a sneaky suspicion the come back tour has already been planned with four dates at Slane in the Summer. You heard it here first. Continue reading

News in Brief-Benedict Packs It In As Meteor Shower Strikes Russia

russiaWe’re all still talking about horses this week as it seems equine DNA is turning up in everything from lasagne to the Vatican where even the Pope has been taken off the shelf. Old Benedict has decided it’s time to stop tuning in to the big fella upstairs, he’s had enough of his rubbish horse meat jokes. Continue reading

News in Brief-James Reilly Teams Up With 50 Cent For A Double Dose of Controversy

James Reilly Knows He’s Been A Bold Boy

THERE’S NO COKE!! Coca-cola that is, not the other stuff, sure they found plenty of that in Dublin the other week. No, there’s none of the fizzy brown stuff we all know and love. A flood in the production plant in Co. Antrim at the beginning of this week threatened to leave the whole country facing a drought. Before you rush your petrol cans down to your local Supervalu, stocks were set to be replenished mid-week just in time for Friday’s vodka HURRAH!

       Bono and wife Ali Hewson gave their youngest daughter Eve the gift of music for her twenty-first. Actually a recording of the two parents singing Lady Gaga’s Telephone. Not exactly much of a stretch for the U2 frontman perhaps he didn’t have time to get to the shops. Anyway, what twenty-one year old wouldn’t want a cd of their dad singing?
      All of them.
      The glass screens that separate the proles (me included) from the workers of our social welfare departments are to be removed despite the fears of said workers. The Department of Social Protection hopes to “frame” the relationship between it’s employees and clients but many workers fear they will now have to look at welfare recipients, sorry, fear for their safety. They have, by way of appeasement, been given panic buttons and CCTV is case the rabble should get too riotous, the dirty beggars.
       What do Health Minister James Reilly and rapper 50 Cent have in common? Not a lot but they’ve both made boo boos this week.
       50 ’Fiddy’ Cent has had to cancel a planned appearance at Carphone Warehouse in Dundrum Town Centre after making an ill-judged comment on Twitter. This was not taken well by some young fans who made full use of the Dundrum Town Centre Facebook page to vent their frustrations.
        Minister Reilly on the other hand has been making mistakes of a monetary nature. It turns out while James Reilly may be overseeing the closure of some nursing home beds he actually has his own money invested in some others. By invested I mean he owes €1.9 million.
It seems my own little home-made it into the nationals this week after the cancellation of Wexford’s biggest agricultural show. The Irish Independent ran a story featuring one of our local priests, Bishop Brennan who is asking all parishioners to pray for an improvement in the weather. I don’t believe in all that, but I do live in Rathangan and at this point anything is worth a go, so, dear Lord if you could stop the rain soon that would be great. Thanks.
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