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Posts Tagged ‘ Christmas ’

News In Brief: Criminal Does A Runner As Gardai Takeaway

Abrakebabra or Macaris? You decide! (image: soundtrackcollector.com)

Abrakebabra or Macaris? You decide! (image: soundtrackcollector.com)

Up first in our brief news this week a classic crime story that could only happen on our fair Isle. A dangerous criminal escaped from Garda custody as the lads in blue pulled their van over at a chipper. Sure you can’t fight crime when you’re starving! The public have been warned not to approach the criminal who is potentially dangerous, while the Gardai released a statement saying they preferred Abrakebabra to Macari’s.

Google have released the results of top searched for items in Ireland this year. It included such news stalwarts as the World Cup and Garthgate as well as the Greyhound recycling debacle. Amongst the predictable searches was Kim Kardashian’s arse and the death of Robin Williams but the real state of the nation was demonstrated in our second most popular googled question? How to… shift. What a romantic bunch we are. Continue reading

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News In Brief: How Not To Be A Sinful Santa

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Sometimes you can’t make the news up, rather you can’t make the people who make the news up. NIB is thinking specifically here of the author who might remain nameless (NIB could change their mind) of The Kilkenny Journal. Their lead story this week: ‘Paedophiles set to pose as gays to marry and adopt kids’. At first NIB thought it was a joke, then we wished it was. According to the splash, predatory paedophiles are already flocking to Ireland in preparation for the gay marriage bill that will be going through the Dail in the spring. Once married they will use their status as happily married couples to adopt and then abuse children. NIB repeats, this is not a joke, this has actually been published online under the guise of actual factual reporting. Listen lads, it’s time to turn off the internet. We obviously can’t have nice things if this is how we behave. Continue reading

News In Brief: Healy-Rae’s Cross And Gerry’s Not Happy Either

Mmmm Michael-Healy-Rae (image: irishecho.com.au)

Mmmm Michael-Healy-Rae (image: irishecho.com.au)

This, was the week Gerry Adams used the word “bastards” and everyone went mental but he wasn’t the only one letting his mouth work before his brain had had a chance to turn on.

Gregory Campbell a DUP politician and “b**tard” really went to town when he decided to lay into the Irish Language, poor defenceless little thing that it is. “Curry my yoghurt can coca coalyer” he told the Northern Assembly, taking the piss out of the Irish phrase: “Go raibh maith agat, Ceann Comhairle” meaning “Thank you, Chairperson”. He couldn’t see the big deal though and also said any proposed Irish Language Act would be treated, by himself, as toilet paper. Charming. Anyone that didn’t get the joke he said, needed a humour bypass. NIB doesn’t know, maybe he thought he was saying something else entirely, like; A man walked into a bar …. Or maybe he was just pissed, you’d need a drink to face the Northern Assembly. Continue reading

News in Brief – Ireland Falls To A New Kind Of Criminal

lauren

Enda’s been away on a mission before the taste of Turkey has barely left our lips. Good old Enda, what would we do without him? Well, actually while he’s been away the Limerick City of Culture Committee has crumbled further. CEO Patricia Ryan has now resigned from her 18 month, €120,000 salary job. NIB said didn’t we?! We said last week it was going to get silly and it has.

Not only has Ryan been resigned to giving up the job (and its accompanying cash) now there are allegations of phone hacking as someone let slip of her departure on a blog an hour before she made an official statement. It’s hardly whistleblowing on an Edward Snowden scale. Talking to RTE Radio 1 an artist involved described the whole thing as ‘like a big game’ before painstakingly going through each play; ‘the players have come out on the pitch . . . there’s been an upset . . . the whistle goes’ yeah we get the idea. It’s a game, Monopoly, the Limerick version. Continue reading

News in Brief – Storms Hit Hard As Gun Law Repealed

weather

So NIB is back after prolonged Christmas hols and what’s been happening around the country?

We’re all underwater as storms continue to wreak havoc like the last guest at your New Year’s Eve party, who wasn’t invited anyway and then turned up with friends in tow and ate the entire prawn ring, but anyway. According to those in the know, jobs are looking up, crime stats are down and soon North and South might be getting along. Continue reading

Why Ross Is Still The Boss, Roysh.

rock

Ross O’Carroll Kelly has entertained us for so long now, so what better way to spread some festive cheer by charting some of his most memorable quotes. There’s a few Christmas crackers in here.

I end up letting her believe we’re, like, an item, but I tell her that if we’re going to, like, give this thing a proper crack, we’re going to have to be PONPA for the time being, as in Private Only, No Public Appearances, just because of all the pressure that’s going to come on us from all sides, bullshit bullshit bullshit. I don’t know how I keep a straight face sometimes She was pretty alroysh looking, I have to say, went out three or four times and got on fine, until this one particular day, roysh, when we were driving back to her gaff after being at the cinema and she said those dreaded words: I don’t believe in sex before marriage. I basically told her to get the fock out of the cor. Don’t get me wrong, roysh, I pulled over first. She was there, Ross, I live miles from here.? And I was loike, There’s a bus stop over there. Use it. Continue reading

A Year in Brief: Part One

muff

What a year it’s been; Hitler birthday cakes, mutant rats, and Bob Geldof off to space! To celebrate the end of another 365 days here are some of NIB’s favourite stories of the year.

Kicking off the year in festive spirit a man in Derry was fined after stealing a CCTV camera which “became his friend”. Police found Peter Morrison, 24, drunk and “petting” the camera as they arrived to arrest him. CCTV pets are for life not just for Christmas. Continue reading

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