Advertisements

Posts Tagged ‘ Dàil ’

News In Brief: Keith Barry Predicts Mary-Lou May Join The Jam Tarters

The only surviving picture from earlier this year when Mary-Lou and Gerry got stuck on a fence (Image:belfasttelegraph.co.uk)

The only surviving picture from earlier this year when Mary-Lou and Gerry got stuck on a fence (Image:belfasttelegraph.co.uk)

 

NIB opens this week by wondering if Mary-Lou is still in the Dáil? What craic! Staging a sit in (if you didn’t see it, where were you?) so everyone else could have a long weekend, good girl Mary Lou! It’s not the first time she’s got stuck somewhere though, on a press outing with her Dear Leader Gerry she previously got stuck on a fence. Then there was the “swing incident”, the Henry Street Penneys Protest and the reports this time last year she’d positioned herself on a seat in an industrial estate in Swords, although strangely Sinn Fein deny that one. Most recent reports in the popular press have hinted Martin O’Neill is eyeing Mary-Lou for Ireland’s upcoming match, that’s if she’ll leave Leinster House. Continue reading

Advertisements

News In Brief: Joan’s Phone-Gate Ruins World Egg Day

Joan Burton demonstrates her own new phone (image: Independent.ie)

Joan Burton demonstrates her own new phone (image: Independent.ie)

It’s that time of the week again, NIB knows you all sit prostrate and silent waiting for your weekly News in Brief, well here it is.

It seems a week cannot pass without Joan Burton saying something stupid. This time it was water meter protestors who she said: “Seem to have extremely expensive phones, tablets, video cameras. There has been the most extensive filming in relation to any of these actions that I have ever seen anywhere. Hollywood would be in the ha’penny place compared to what’s done here.” Holy mother of God! How could they? They’re obviously all social-welfare scrounging, JobBridge dropouts aren’t they Joan?! People on the dole shouldn’t be allowed food let alone phones, the shtate this country’s in, if only we didn’t have to fund Joan’s massive salary, free top-of-the-range devices, car and fecking dry cleaning.

Meanwhile in the Dail they were discussing removing the morning’s opening prayer (do you ever think how mad it is that our politicians sit around and talk about shite for hours, just for the craic?) Of course it’s all just a cover for playground-politics and evading the real issues, but Clare Daly thinks saying a prayer in the morning is “offensive”. It is part of a wider battle to get a law from 1855 prosecuting blasphemy removed from the constitution. But Clare, if no-ones given a shite since 1855 why should we bother now? They’ll only have to reprint the whole constitution (probably on pretty pink paper with a laminated cover) before they decided there’s a law banning cutting your toe nails they want to scrap. Continue reading

News In Brief: Scotland’s In As Geldof’s Out

zod-630x436

Did Dobby Die For This?! (image: thedailyedge.ie)

A minor service interruption for NIB last week but don’t worry we’re not dead (yet). Anyway, on with the show.

Scotland had one job to do yesterday and they got it spectacularly wrong in NIB’s humble opinion, not as wrong as Joan Burton though who’s in trouble for using the phrase ‘there’s more than one way to skin a cat’. NIB would give you the context (banks, capitalisation blah blah blah) but it doesn’t really make much difference. Animal Rights group Aran was quick to accuse Joan of potentially causing ‘damage [to] the already troubled animal’ leading NIB to ask, what’s up with the cats? Continue reading

Garth Brooks Cancelled, The Nation Will Suffer

garth

Heads up, this is a personal opinion. This is a personal opinion of a Garth Brooks fan. Most importantly this is a personal opinion of a ticket holding Garth Brooks fan who is right now trying to control a blinding temper. Anyone who follows me on Twitter may have seen my analogy of this situation as resembling a child being given thousands of free sweets, but refusing them because his mother tells him he has to bin the wrappers himself. Sadly, I feel this analogy is completely accurate to the shambolic handling of the Garth Brooks debacle, which tonight has ended in the definite cancellation of the five gigs in Croke Park. Continue reading

News in Brief: Heatwave Prompts D’Arcy To Court The Snip

American consumption of Kerrygold is all wrong (image: yumkid.com)

American consumption of Kerrygold is all wrong (image: yumkid.com)

NIB hopes you have all sufficiently wept at our silence last week, we were away, topping up our milky tan. In the meantime it’s been hot lads, fierce hot. Mammies are making salads for god’s sake, the end is nigh.

It’s obviously getting to Ray D’Arcy who’s going to have the snip, live, on his show on Today FM. The decision came about after discussing the operation with a doctor, as most good decisions do. As the doc explained the simple procedure D’Arcy, in a heat wave reckoned he’d do it, while everyone at home listened. Whether he goes through with it is yet to be decided but rumours are TV3 are already planning a spin-off ‘Celebrity Castration: Live’ to air in the same slot as the Late Late. Continue reading

News in Brief-President Called “Acknowledged Homosexual” As Jedward Return

Olympic TorchSilly season hasn’t quite got underway with enough speed this year. NIB wants false accusations of homosexuality, sex-fetish filled Ireland and Jedward to do something stupid! Oh wait . . .

Who knew Michael D was an “acknowledged homosexual”? Not even Michael D himself, must have come as quite a surprise to his wife and four kids. American ’Forbes’ magazine was forced to issue an apology after a piece claimed Higgins was a massive gay boy. They weren’t exactly their words. Michael D wasn’t bothered though, because he’s a massive legend, he just got on with this week’s engagements. How would Enda react to similar claims NIB wonders? Continue reading

News in Brief – Photocopy murder? Best leave It To The Gardaí

"You're not in America now, sonny."

“You’re not in America now, sonny jim.”

Apparently 25 per cent of us fear being found out as lacking at work. Many of those suggesting accidentally viewing porn or something us NSFW (not safe for work) is their biggest fear. Eight per cent, according to the report in The Sun, think the photocopier is out to get them. Oh dear.

People “shouldn’t be mucking around in Garda business”. This isn’t film noir, it’s Noonan. Far away on the L.A. suburbs familiar to detective novels the Gardai are apparently having their evidence fiddled with, causing problems in court. Enter Noonan, he was a quiet man, a maverick, some call him crazy, some call him . . . other things. Passing comment in relation to the Anglo Tapes being leaked to the press he said: “The Gardai are the ones who investigate crime in this country”. Good to know of course but not exactly the narrative of a great crime thriller.

Continue reading

Advertisements
Advertisements