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Posts Tagged ‘ Enda Kenny ’

Garth Brooks Cancelled, The Nation Will Suffer

garth

Heads up, this is a personal opinion. This is a personal opinion of a Garth Brooks fan. Most importantly this is a personal opinion of a ticket holding Garth Brooks fan who is right now trying to control a blinding temper. Anyone who follows me on Twitter may have seen my analogy of this situation as resembling a child being given thousands of free sweets, but refusing them because his mother tells him he has to bin the wrappers himself. Sadly, I feel this analogy is completely accurate to the shambolic handling of the Garth Brooks debacle, which tonight has ended in the definite cancellation of the five gigs in Croke Park. Continue reading

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News in Brief: Quinn Jumps Before He’s Pushed

NIB's favourite artistes (image courtesy: planetjedward.net)

NIB’s favourite artistes (image courtesy: planetjedward.net)

In what can only be described as typical, Enda Kenny’s put his foot firmly into his mouth -this week he’s been calling Joan-people! People, he’s been calling people fat, according to Micheal Martin anyway. The Fianna Fail leader accused the Taoiseach of being fattist following questioning over the decision to suspend gastric band operations. In a bid to save money Enda suggested the waiting patients go for a jog instead and cut out the Supermacs: ‘prevention is better than cure’ to which Martin took offence. He reckons obese people are subject to ‘the last acceptable form of discrimination’, although conceded this couldn’t be applied to James Reilly.

In other political news Ruairi Quinn has been retired! Well jumped, before he was pushed, out of Leinster House. What does this mean for us?! NIB hears you all cry. Oh no sorry, you were wondering about your World Cup Office sweepstake now USA are out. Continue reading

News in Brief: Heatwave Prompts D’Arcy To Court The Snip

American consumption of Kerrygold is all wrong (image: yumkid.com)

American consumption of Kerrygold is all wrong (image: yumkid.com)

NIB hopes you have all sufficiently wept at our silence last week, we were away, topping up our milky tan. In the meantime it’s been hot lads, fierce hot. Mammies are making salads for god’s sake, the end is nigh.

It’s obviously getting to Ray D’Arcy who’s going to have the snip, live, on his show on Today FM. The decision came about after discussing the operation with a doctor, as most good decisions do. As the doc explained the simple procedure D’Arcy, in a heat wave reckoned he’d do it, while everyone at home listened. Whether he goes through with it is yet to be decided but rumours are TV3 are already planning a spin-off ‘Celebrity Castration: Live’ to air in the same slot as the Late Late. Continue reading

News In Brief: Kimye Land As Gilmore Takes Off

Kimye indulge in a bit of shopping on Grafton Street (Image: sugarscape.com)

Kimye indulge in a bit of shopping on Grafton Street (Image: sugarscape.com)

 

First they were here, then they were gone. The nation mourns the departure of ‘Kimye’, newlyweds Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, as much as we’re mourning the resignation of Eamon Gilmore as Labour Leader. NIB will let you come to your own conclusions about how much that is.

It’s true Joan’s going for the leadership role now. Great news all round. Entertainment channel E! in America were quick to jump on the bandwagon asking if she really had been spotted leaving a cinema in Portlaoise? Turns out it wasn’t her but ‘Kimye’. In case you missed it this is of course making reference to the world media being fooled by photo-shopped images of the famous couple and tweets suggesting they were just after getting themselves some breakfast rolls. Unfortunately the news about Joan isn’t a joke. Sure it may as well be her as anyone else for all the difference it’ll make. Continue reading

News in Brief – Bins, Ming and the Taoiseach’s Things

Ming Campainging for BOI to Keep our Fur!

Ming campaigning for BOI to Keep our Fur!

A 90-year-old woman is being pursued by debt collectors for a €14 bin fine. That’s right, while the world crumbles and Ming Flanagan seems our most viable option for Europe, Dublin City Council want their €14 back! The woman, who has not been named, lives alone in inner-city Dublin and became the subject of the debt collectors interest over an unpaid bill dating back to the privatisation of Dublin’s waste collection services. Four letters were sent threatening aggressive legal action and publication in Stubbs Gazette. Well done lads, what a lovely bunch you are, can NIB point you in the direction of a Mr Shatter who owes us €70k?

A painting by Michael Flatley tops the list of the Taoiseach’s most expensive gifts. The painting title ‘The Irish Potato Famine’ was created by Flatley daubing his feet in paint and dancing on a canvas (and you can tell) and has been valued at €5000. Other gifts include a golden replica of the Mecca Royal Hotel Clock Tower (Enda’s a bingo fan), a bust of JFK, a bottle of booze from the Queen and a boat. So that’s nice isn’t it? Good old Enda. NIB got three pairs of tights last Christmas . . . Continue reading

News in Brief – We Need To Talk About Alan

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Hold the phone, it’s hot outside! Well, NIB doesn’t know where you are but it’s hot here! Hurrah!

Despite that though we need to talk about Alan.

Despite being sacked (resigned, whatever?!) Shatter still seems to be up to something scheduling secret meetings with Enda. Sinn Fein have kicked off about it because they weren’t invited to what was bound to be a jelly and ice-cream event, but the Taoiseach’s office has stated it was simply a misunderstanding and no meetings actually took place. Neither Shatter nor Kenny was available to comment as both were busy naked jelly wrestling. Continue reading

News in Brief – Shatter Resigns As Kenny Morphs Into Putin

shatter

Before we kick off can you all take a minute to imagine the theme to The Apprentice . . . got it? OK now we can start.

Alan Shatter has left the building. While the Indo asked ‘who trapped the rat in Leinster House?’ The answer became obvious, it was Enda and he was clutching him by his whiskery tail.

So Shatter has resigned and the future of the justice system is restored, well not exactly, but it’s bound to be a bit better right? RIGHT?! Former social worker Frances Fitzgerald has stepped up to the plate so hopefully she has a better idea of right and wrong. That’s beside the point though what NIB would like to draw everyone’s attention to is that Kenny has taken over Defence. Put a crown on him and call him Putin. Surely putting our dear leader in charge of the country’s defence policy is like appointing him leader of all things. Maybe NIB is exaggerating but you just wait, when the words ‘5-year-plans’ slip out you’ll know we warned you! Continue reading

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