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Posts Tagged ‘ Enda Kenny ’

News in Brief: MP Suggests Ireland Join British Commonwealth

 

michaelfabricant

Tory MP With A Great Thatch

The Cabinet is being rifled with again, like a bowl of crap crisps at a party. Apparently the Taoiseach has said it will be in September after the European elections and could see Ruairi Quinn sent to the back of the class in the Department of Education. A senior source though has said no one really knows what’s going on. Sure if they don’t know who’s in charge of what, how will we know who to complain about?

A fella in Dublin is complaining, about his complete lack of golfing ability. In fact he is selling his clubs after coming to the realisation ‘I’m a danger to both myself and everyone else on the golf course’. Aww. The vendor, Ciaran, has declared himself the worst golfer in the world and is also selling some other golfing kit on Done Deal, ‘Also included is a Sureshot GPS unit for measuring distance to front/middle/ back of green on each hole. Please note this is only of use if you have any balls left to hit.’ Continue reading

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News in Brief- Gardai Enjoy Eggcellent Banter

enda

For the day that was in it this week you have to be careful what you believe in this edition of NIB . . .

Limerick Council have introduced a new approach to dog littering, installing motion activated sensors that remind dog walkers to pick up after their pooch. NIB thinks it is a fantastic idea and could be rolled out to other areas of anti-social behaviour, OR EVEN BETTER, make them holograms! If Paul O’Connell popped up in the street as you casually threw aside a fag butt you’d be pretty quick about picking it up again. Continue reading

News in Brief – Irish Spring Break Is Upon Us

Enda-Kenny

A man has been handed down a suspended sentence after telling Gardai to “shut the f*** up”. The man, who has previous convictions and is a recovering heroin addict apparently, became enraged when his partner didn’t win a community award: Tallaght Person of the Year. After a public row he snatched her handbag and stalked off only to be picked up by Gardai. Sure we’d all be raging if we didn’t win Tallaght Person of the Year.

He should give auld Enda a call. The Taoiseach is in Washington singing the Wild Rover with Mr O’Mahoneybama and has told a press conference if people have a problem with the way he’s doing things they can give him a ring. His number is public after all. This has given NIB an idea. Continue reading

Government Unveil Action Plan For Jobs 2014

Enda-Kenny

The Taoiseach, the Tánaiste and the Minister for Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation today published the Action Plan for Jobs 2014, the third annual instalment in the Government plan aimed at building a sustainable growing economy and creating jobs.

The Plan builds on the more than 500 measures already implemented through Action Plan for Jobs 2012 and 2013, and contains 385 actions to be implemented by all 16 Government Departments and 46 Agencies.  Building on the 2013 Plan three new Disruptive Reform topics have been targeted in the areas of Entrepreneurship, Winning Overseas and Manufacturing. Continue reading

News in Brief – Another Week , Another Scandal

rehab

NIB is currently sitting by a cup of cold coffee and some stale cream crackers (the glamour of working from home), Enda Kenny meanwhile is standing by the boss of Irish Water. Presumably he hasn’t got much on and just fancied a stand.

Tayto Park, home of the spud, has been banned from adding any new animals to its zoo after inspectors found “overweight” racoons and evidence of “inappropriate breeding”. Ohh err. Officials from the National Parks and Wildlife Service were following up on a previous ban in 2012 when animals were found to be stressed out and living in poor conditions. It is a theme park based around crisps let’s remember. On their return visit the inspectors were still not satisfied and Tayto have now been ordered not to add to their menagerie for the forseeable. The racoons will have to lay off the cheese and onion, as for the inappropriate breeding . . . Continue reading

News in Brief – Ireland Falls To A New Kind Of Criminal

lauren

Enda’s been away on a mission before the taste of Turkey has barely left our lips. Good old Enda, what would we do without him? Well, actually while he’s been away the Limerick City of Culture Committee has crumbled further. CEO Patricia Ryan has now resigned from her 18 month, €120,000 salary job. NIB said didn’t we?! We said last week it was going to get silly and it has.

Not only has Ryan been resigned to giving up the job (and its accompanying cash) now there are allegations of phone hacking as someone let slip of her departure on a blog an hour before she made an official statement. It’s hardly whistleblowing on an Edward Snowden scale. Talking to RTE Radio 1 an artist involved described the whole thing as ‘like a big game’ before painstakingly going through each play; ‘the players have come out on the pitch . . . there’s been an upset . . . the whistle goes’ yeah we get the idea. It’s a game, Monopoly, the Limerick version. Continue reading

A Year in Brief: Part Two

sineadandmiley

Part two of NIB’s yearly round-up because 2013 was just too good! (Read part one here).

Dublin’s new bridge, crossing the Liffey at Marlborough Street and connecting Luas lines on each side of the river, was on the lookout for a name. A list of 85 possibilities was suggested by the public which was then shortlisted by Dublin City Council to 17. Some suggestions in a comments thread on The Times website included: Bosco Bridge; Daniel Day Luas Bridge (nice); Da Plain People O’Ireland Bridge; Jedward Bridge; and NIB favourite, the Feckin’ Bridge. Continue reading

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