Posts Tagged ‘ Essex Lion ’

News in Brief-Enda Raids Jelly Bean Factory While Ronan Hits A New Low

And so it seems the residents of Clacton-on-Sea in Essex were right to be mortally afraid of a house cat. New reports have shown one thousand people a day in the UK, 350,000 a year, contract a parasitic disease carried by your average moggy. Although in healthy humans the parasite shouldn’t cause too many problems it can bring on the flu and in pregnant women or immunosuppressive patient’s it can be more serious, even being attributed to triggering schizophrenia and obsessive compulsive disorder. However, you only get it from ingesting cat feces so unless you have an interesting taste in after dinner treats I wouldn’t kick the cat out just yet.

Enda has praised Minister for Health James Reilly for reversing health cuts despite the Dáil preparing to put through a vote of no confidence. On admitting his mistake Kenny said of Reilly, “The Minister had the courage to do that and do it quickly”. This makes me wonder what we couldn’t all reverse and get away with as long as we’re quick about it.
Perhaps we could also reverse the Jelly Bean Factory’s decision to create chocolate covered beans.  It just seems wrong. It has though created twenty-five new jobs at the factory in Blanchardstown. The company has been an Irish success story and expects 50% growth over the next two years with the Belgian chocolate covered beans ready for Christmas. Enda Kenny, cropped up there too, to launch the factory’s extension and no doubt fill his pockets with free beans. What a Willy Wonka.
The Irish Fishermen’s Organisation have a bone to pick with the Department of Justice after having to ask to ensure skeletal remains found in the sea off the south coast of the country are sent for DNA identification. If found in a politician’s closet, some may understand the desire to keep things hushed up but the ‘budgetary constraints’ that have so far prevented the testing of the remains make for a pretty poor excuse. The skull and two femur bones were found along the Waterford and Wexford coast lines and could be any one of the nine fishermen that have been lost at sea in recent years.
Ronan Keating may wish he were at sea this week or on a desert island with just the one disc, his own. That would bring the total sales of his new album to 182.
Brian McFadden on the other hand is catapulting himself back into the public eye. The former Westlife singer, more famously formerly married to Kerry Katona is to release a new song he hopes to a be a hit. The track will feature as part of new RTE show The Hit in which he will compete with Royseven frontman Paul Walsh for the biggest charting song.
If the mundanity of modern celebrity culture disturbs you don’t fear. The old ways aren’t dead yet. A seventeen year old boy who used a can of pepper spray in the mugging of a Brazilian man has been asked to write a letter of apology to his victim. Hurrah for pen and paper! Who said snail mail was dead? The humble tradition of written letters lives on.
The man, in his twenties, was attacked with the spray before having his wallet taken. He has since moved from the area of the assault in Dublin as he no longer feels safe. Ah. Anyone got a forwarding address? Maybe they’re friends on Facebook? Or he could just tweet him instead.

News in Brief-Consumer Fear Decreasing While HSE Announces Major Cuts

After last week’s fear of the number thirteen putting the clamps on car buying, this week the Central Statistics Office reports Irish consumer fear is in fact decreasing. We’re increasingly more happy to splash the cash despite the recession being far from over. However rather than an indication of increased wealth these figures only represent the ‘sentiment’ of Irish shoppers, so we’re not crying over our cabbages anymore but we’re still far from boom buying.

The HSE has announced it is to make cuts worth €130 million over the remainder of the year in order to meet Troika’s targets and remain “within budget”. Furniture is listed as one of the areas the executive plans to cut back as well as advertising those crazy, comfortable commercialists. More worrying education and training are also noted as being for the chop. Where will we go when our Doctors don’t know what they’re doing? And where will we sit?!
Apparently 79% of elderly people who live alone do not have internet access, according to the Central Statistics Office (those guys!). Is this news? Age Action Ireland obviously think so. A representative is quoted by as saying the findings are “worrying”, what because they don’t know what’s trending at the moment? They don’t know what a face book is? The poor sods. Lack of access also causes “barriers for older people to upskill in IT”. Just what we need, more job competition. What a load of . . .

Talking of which Elvis Presley’s unwashed underpants are up for auction. Expected to reach €13,000 next week in Stockport, Cheshire the pants were part of one of Presley’s stage outfits designed to prevent a VPL (visible panty line, for those not versed in the frustrations of fashionistas everywhere.) If only I had a spare €13,000 – then I’d have a spare €13,000.

Back in Ireland it’s Electric Picnic weekend! Hurrah! The final festival of the season and it’s bound to be a good one. Festival survival guides suggest bringing along the usual sun cream, wet weather gear and allow plenty of time for travel. Happy campers are also advised only 48 cans of alcohol per person are allowed. That’s sixteen cans each evening Friday, Saturday and Sunday. If you do manage to get through that lot, festival organisers have advised that alcohol will be available for purchase on site. Thank god.
It is officially silly season – especially after all those pints – the time of the year when with politicians set to out-of-office the media is full of frivolous drivel and a general stupid stupor descends until Christmas. No more so than the Essex lion that stalked Clacton on Monday igniting the nationwide intrigue as well as a hastily created Essex lion twitter account. A mass scrambling of police searching out the beast was called off when it turned out to be a house cat.