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Posts Tagged ‘ Eurovision ’

News in Brief – Mourners Upset As Travellers Brawl At Cemetery

fightIt’s that time again, for our weekly round-up of all the mad crap that goes on in this country.

Without wanting to upset anyone NIB starts with some terrible, terrible news. Louis Walsh is going to leave the X Factor. Noooooooooo. Anyway on with this week’s news. Continue reading

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News in Brief-Family Feud “A Bit Of Craic”

fighting-kidsDublin’s new bridge, crossing the Liffey at Marlborough Street and connecting Luas lines on each side of the river, is looking for a name. A list of 85 possibilities were suggested by the general public which has been short listed by Dublin Council to 17. Word of advice to Dublin City Council: don’t ask the public to decide things like this. They will take the piss. Some suggestions in a comments thread on The Times website included: Bosco Bridge; Daniel Day Luas Bridge (nice); Da Plain People O’Ireland Bridge; Jedward Bridge; and NIB favourite, the Feckin’ Bridge.

This year’s Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival is going gay. ’The Outing’ aims to offer gay and lesbian participants a matchmaking service to rival it’s straight counterpart with drag shows and ceilìs combined. Music, dancing and matchmaking will be overseen by Panti, ’Drag High-Queen of Ireland’ (who knew we were a monarchy?), at a price of €199 per person, sharing. Obviously they’re confident about meeting Mr or Mrs Right in Clare. Continue reading

News in Brief – A Year in Brief

Olympic TorchHAPPY NEW YEAR! How’s the head? Mouth feel like it’s full of Jedwards hair? What better way to start the New Year than tired, fat and saturated in booze?

It hasn’t been a bad year. Actually . . . Well anyway to celebrate the dawn of the unlucky for some 2013 News in Brief has taken a look back at some of the best stories from 2012.

2012 saw the evolution of lives lived online and cemented the necessity that is the internet across every aspect of our lives. And its propensity for porn. Seeing the potential in owning online, Kevin O’Shea from Waterford in a “moment of madness” bought the domains; finegael.xxx, sinnfein.xxx and fiannafail.xxx for €300; the X-rated dot-com equivalent known for its use in porn site web addresses. On his purchases O’Shea said, ” I was laid up with a broken leg and I had a lot of time on my hands. It was kind of like that film Rear Window where the main character goes a bit mad.”

Last year Irish author Julian Gough, took umbrage with the organisers of the eponymous Wodehouse literary prize after discovering their winner was secured before the short list was drawn up. The well sought prize for the winner of the Wodehouse award? Well the top author has the honour of bestowing their name on a pig. Gough offended by the fix in the competition stole the prize pig from its home in Wales threatening to return the animal “sausage by sausage” until the competition was made fair. In a twist to the tale, and despite Gough’s criminal activity, 2012 saw the writer once again short listed for the award.

A former drug addict helped her husband in his attempt to rob a building society disguised as a wheelchair bound woman. While Denise Ward, 39 waited outside in a car, Thomas Clark dressed in a black wig, threatened a Permanent TSB branch manager with an axe. However Clark and his 21-year-old accomplice were chased from the building by the manager, shouting; “would you ever f*** off”.

In other banking news Ulster Bank lost the run of itself also losing its customers cash somewhere. Taxes, the payment and avoidance of also dominated the news this year. British comedian Jimmy Carr’s lack of tax lead to controversy on this side of the water as well. Whilst we know certain superstars of our own *cough-German submarine named band-cough* have made use of off-shore, legal, tax reduction measures it is unlikely they will face a barrage like Carr as the Irish economy relies in part on the income of the `legitimate tax avoidance measures` we offer global companies such as Facebook, Google and Apple . And at least Ulster Bank apologised. Chief Executive, Jim Brown turned down this year’s bonus after the unmitigated disaster that has been Ulster Bank’s computer problems. Thanks Jim.

Starbucks found themselves in trouble after they “erroneously posted” a tweet on their @StarbucksIE account saying; “Happy hour is on! Show us what makes you proud to be British for a chance to win. Don’t forget to tag #MyFrappuccino”. Irish followers didn’t take well to the mis-tweet with comedy writer Colm Tobin calling it, “the social media equivalent of Oliver Cromwell kicking Fungi in the nose” and another tweeter suggesting Starbucks re-name frappuccino’s, ‘Trappachino’s’ for the duration of the Euro 2012. Of which the less said the better.

On a similar theme we all watched Eurovision didn’t we? You either love it or threaten to `shed the blood` of `European scum`. Oh dear. For a show that often receives a Marmite reaction an Islamic extremist group went a bit further threatening to use knives and chemical weapons in a terror attack on the Eurovision hopefuls in May. Irish entry Jedward were unfazed, tweeting `Just so you know the Jedward Baby Day Care is closed and will not be changing any diapers so go baby wee wee at your own home`. Quite.

Ah Jedward, the stalwarts or News In Brief what else have they done this year? Well another one turned up, then another two (although made of wax), they ran a marathon with no training and supported Westlife in their farewell tour in Croke Park – never will we see four men, so stoically and so expertly stand up from stools.

It was Jedward who carried the Olympic flame as well, as it crossed Irish soil. With population figures taken into account Ireland came fourth in the Paralympics and earned a total of sixteen medals across London 2012. Not too shabby and a source of great pride to the whole country who welcomed our champions home with great ceremony and celebration. First stop The Late Late Show where the host managed to make a mockery of the whole thing and get Adam Nolan’s name wrong, repeatedly. He certainly wouldn’t want to meet the boxing champion in the ring after calling him Andy throughout the show causing Adam to take to Twitter to endorse the return of Pat Kenny. And the gold medal for prize prat goes to Ryan Tubridy.

What’s longer than an olympic swimming pool and less watery? Well, a lot of things really, but particularly the journey Olympic gymnast hopeful Kieran Behan had to take get to China. Mr Behan had been invited to take part in a prestigious gymnastic event but due to mistakes regarding his visa, was forced to re-board his eighteen hour flight from Heathrow to Beijing. Back in England it was only after discussion with the Chinese embassy that Mr Behan was once again onboard and bound for the Chinese capital. Gymnastics Ireland have taken full blame for the blunder which has cost Keiran five days of important training.Mr Behan, who has overcome sever disability and injury to get to his position in the gymnastic world was understandably frustrated, a member of his team commented, `It was the world’s biggest cock up.`

2012 saw cuts to public services including the Gardai. A victim of a burglary was forced to go and pick up Gardai after she was told there were no patrol cars for them to use. The woman, from Newtowncunningham in Co. Donegal initially reported the incident at her home, before being told she had the choice of waiting for the nearest patrol car, which was 9km away at the Carrigans station, or collecting the Gardai herself to investigate the incident.

And who could forget the councillor in Cork that wanted to introduce DNA testing to determine the doggy culprits leaving mess all over the city’s streets? He’s hoping we all have.

Ah 2012 what a year. What will 2013 bring? Hopefully more of the same. A Westlife reunion, the continuation of Jedward, more government groaning, banking balls ups and the general news fodder that makes this country so great and gives News in Brief something to write about every week. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

News in Brief-Noonan Hops To Mexico As Mock Up Merkel Flag Rakes In A Fortune

Michael Noonan has been in Mexico to talk about the eurozone crisis at the G20 summit with other world leaders. Why Mexico? Well, why not? Obviously the minister has not heard of Skype, or email, or the telephone, letters, carrier pigeons, smoke signals! No wonder we’re in such financial trouble. The Minister is also attending the Eurogroup and the EcoFin (not to be confused with Eurovision) meetings in Luxembourg on our behalf. There is one way Mr Noonan could have saved some cash – on his flights – Ryanair must fly to Mexico by know, don’t they? Sorry I mean Ryanaerlingus.

 
 Michael O’Leary is once again trying to take over the airline, and the WORLD! Although it may not be as, plane sailing, as he would hope. Aer Lingus have deemed his offer of €649million euro as, undervaluing the company and the worth of the seventy percent of shares they do not own, but once you add on taxes and charges, admin fees and insurance, that figure could be closer to €700million, bargain!
 
      The “Angela Merkel Thinks We’re at Work” Tricolour as seen at the Euros and on the internet has been auctioned off for charity. The Tricolour was bought by Antrim-based Glendun Group and Iris RD, who submitted a joint bid totalling €15,800. All the money raised will go to Oscar Knox (3), a Belfast boy with neuroblastoma, a cancer that develops from nerve tissue.
 
      Oscar became popular online with his own flag that read, “My Ma Thinks I’ll Be in Bed Early” during the matches. If anyone watched last nights match between Germany and Greece they would have spotted Angela herself in business attire, cheering on her team. I thought she was at work . . .
 
      Spirit Radio, a Christian radio station based in Dublin and broadcasting across Cork, Limerick, Galway and Waterford has claimed an 11% share of the national radio listenership. The station, which is not part of the Joint National Listenership Research (JNLR) claims that two independent surveys have confirmed 11% of over 15 year olds listen to Spirit for fifteen minutes or more each week, in comparison 2FM only received JNLR results of 8%. When asked if he believed Spirit has a bigger listenership than RTE’s second station, chief executive Rob Clarke said it was “not possible to make a direct comparison” across results. You’ve just got to have faith.
 
      MAGNETS! Aaarrgghhhh! Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you I just saw a magnet. Parents are being warned of the increasing danger of MAGNETS! After two cases of children swallowing them in the UK within the last eighteen months. In both cases the children had to have surgery to remove the magnets, leading to health officials publishing a letter of warning in medical journal, The Lancet.
 
       In the letter Dr Anil Thomas George from Queen’s Medical Centre at Nottingham University Hospital, wrote, “Parents should be warned of the risk of magnet ingestion, particularly in small children. We believe that improvement in public awareness about this risk will be key in preventing such incidents”. The letter also warned of the increased availability of cheap magnetic toys, hinting the accidental ingestion of magnetic elements will become more common.
 

News in Brief:Keano’s Dog Barks From Beyond The Grave As Jedward Flop

In the news this week, Roy Keane’s dog, Triggs, has today (Friday) released his posthumous autobiography  chronicling the trials and tribulations of the famous pet and his owner. Written by Paul Howard (Ross O’Carroll-Kelly) ‘Triggs: The Autobiography of Roy Keane’s Dog’ lets us into the intimate world of one man and, his dog.

We learn of Triggs as ‘TV lover, hypochondriac, noted wit,’ as well as finding out what really happened with Mick McCarthy – Triggs initially learnt of his pet footballers resignation from the Irish Squad through papers and the television as he was lodged in a Manchester boarding kennel at the time. The book offers an interesting look at life for a key player in Irish soccer and Roy Keane’s life. Giving us paws for thought maybe?
 
We’re not mentioning Jedward this week. Well, ok, quickly. So we didn’t win Eurovision, did we really expect to? What must the rest of Europe think of Ireland and our terrible twins? At least more than poor old Humperdinck.
Music is a massive part of Irish culture and has been recognised as such by FAS, who are to launch a new course this year in Event Planning. The state training agency aims to introduce twenty new students to a course in everything from hiring security to setting up a festival site. Fantastic! You say, everyone loves Oxegen! And Slane Castle! Summer Sessions in Dublin, Flatlake in Monaghan … But hang on, haven’t they all been cancelled? If you throw enough mud at a wall it will stick and likewise it seems if you throw enough money at FAS (or Solas, as they are being re-branded) they’ll find more and more ridiculous ways to spend it.
 
A quick note on the fiscal treaty; the country has voted and the votes are being counted as we speak. We’re yet to see which way it will go but early polls suggest the ‘yes’ side is moving ahead.
 
Some parts of the country though are in reverse. Clones in Monaghan has recently re-introduced the Punt in an attempt to revitalise their ailing town and the financial market. Customers are invited to splash the old cash in return for Euro vouchers to be used in stores in Clones. The idea of …. to make the most of a legal loop-hole – meaning the Punt is still tender – offers a conversion rate of 1 Punt to 1 Euro 20. You may say they are literally punting for business!
That’s enough of the bad punts (punts, puns! Get it?!) No really. Enough. But in line with Irish culture, in the news this week, new research shows we think people ‘know us’ if they know how to make our preferred cup of tea, with one in five of us judging people on their tea-making skills. Hardly groundbreaking I’m sure you’ll agree, but the research has thrown up some other interesting statistics; eighty percent of Irish people drink tea everyday and of those eighty, thirty dread calls from the bank. So there we have it, scientific fact, Ireland hates its banks but loves its tea. As long as it’s wet and warm, we’ll never say no to a cup.
 
The country itself is also getting wetter  and warmer. Met Éireann have released a report that shows the temperature of Ireland has increased by 0.75 degrees over the last 20 years, while Valentia Observatory in Co Kerry has examined rainfall between 1981 and 2010, and the equivalent 1961 and 1990 and found an extra month’s worth of rain in recent years. Long, hot, music festival free summer stretching ahead?Alright I suppose, if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain.

News in Brief-Terrorists Threaten Eurovision

Paul O’Connell, a giant in his field (giant in many fields, rugby or otherwise) has been given the Freedom of Limerick. Imagine, free reign of the city of Limerick, an honour previously bestowed on national treasure Terry Wogan. What would you do first? Have a drink? Go for a meal? Kill some greyhounds and dump them in a quarry?

The Limerick Leader was quick to point out O’Connell was awarded the honour `in advance of Munster’s disappointing defeat to Ulster at Thomond Park on Sunday`.  Perhaps then councillors may change their minds before the ceremony on 22nd April, I certainly wouldn’t try revoking the green machine’s freedom, I don’t think we’d like him when he’s angry.
 
38 million cigarettes have been seized at Dublin Port in an operation that’s saved the exchequer 13.1million euro and the average person some discount fiscal fags.This is surely the pinnacle of success in potential plans to police smoking in cars or as close as they are likely to get – like preventing people speeding, drinking and texting whilst driving – it’s impossible to enforce.
 
Can Catholicism get a make over? Whilst weekly Mass attendance figures are some of the highest in Europe it seems not all are practising what is preached. Eighty-seven percent of Irish Catholics questioned, believe priests should be allowed to marry (Ballykissangel could have turned out very differently) and seventy-seven percent think women should be allowed to become priests. For seventy-five percent of people, church teachings on sexuality are apparently `irrelevant`. Perhaps we could kill two birds with one stone and have female priests giving sermons in stilettos?
Whilst these statistics illustrate the widening gap between parishioners and priests, it is unlikely that a Stars in Their Eyes transformation is on the cards for the Catholic Church.
 
Eurovision you either love it or threaten to `shed the blood` of `European scum`. Oh dear. For a show that often receives a Marmite reaction an Islamic extremist group have gone a whole hop, skip and a jump further, threatening to use knives and chemical weapons in a terror attack on the Eurovision hopefuls in May. Seventeen Azari terrorists have been arrested in recent police raids with one blowing himself up.
Jedward are apparently unfazed by the potential for attack in Azerbaijan tweeting,
`Just so you know the Jedward Baby Day Care is closed and will not be changing any diapers so go baby wee wee at your own home`

The Top Ten Most Hated Men In Ireland

We have in recent years grown accustomed to hating those who have inflicted pain upon us. Sadly given the current state the country is in most of these hate figures stem from past and current governments who have sold us down the river. But among this batch of hate figures lies more than political greed and ignorance as infamous sports stars and circus clowns who pose as singers also feature in our list of the top ten most hated men in Ireland.

1)Phil Hogan-Ireland’s very own Mr. Fix It has become a forlorn figure in recent weeks after his disastrous attempts to persuade 2 million people to pay the household charge failed miserably. As of the March 31st deadline less than half of those eligible had yet to pay the €100 charge. Cracks are also beginning to emerge in the coalition such is the ferocity of the argument against paying the tax.

2)Bertie Ahern-A man of many friends who has become the face of the recession. The former Irish Taoiseach used his many bank accounts to swindle money from left, right and centre. Rumour has it the Oxford dictionary are redefining the meaning of corruption. Expect a picture of Bertie to feature beside it. The disgraced former Fianna Fàil leader is also available for promotional work, if you would like to contact him simply hashtag #willdoanythingformoney or open a cupboard near you. He may be lurking nearby.

3)Sean Fitzpatrick-The wanker banker is a cult hate figure amongst the Irish people having been at the forefront of the banking crash. The ex Anglo Irish chief hammered out loan after loan and will never be accountable for his actions. Prosecution should befall him sometime soon if there is any justice in this world.

4)Brian Cowen-hardly surprising that the iconic alcoholic and legendary Irish ballad singer features on this list. Far be it from me to mention in the first sentence that he succeeded his comrade Bertie, such was his lack of leadership and constant failings. Biffo will forever be remembered as nothing more than an incompetent and senseless moron whose main claim to fame is a drunken television appearance.

5)Enda Kenny-One year into his tenure as Irish Taoiseach the man viewed by many as our very own problem solver is drawing the ire of those who elected him. Pre election promises have failed to materialise but then again what’s new. Has “tried” his best to be seen to be repressing the urgencies of the European Union on many issues, imparticular our low corporation tax. Expect the act to fall sometime soon and Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy will get their way. Big changes are required if Kenny is to return to popularity amongst the Irish public.

6)Gerry Adams-Vile, deceiving, inept just few of the words that could critique the life and times of the Sinn Fèin leader. The republican has more secrets than Pandora’s box. His chequered history is common knowledge amongst the people of Ireland. Adams tested the waters last year when he put forward his comrade Martin McGuinness in the presidential election. He will no doubt have been surprised by the reception McGuinness got and expect Adams to run for the Àras in the future.

7)Jedward-Love them or loathe them you can’t ignore them. Despite not having a musical note between them the Lucan duo have gone on to achieve great success following their stint on X-factor. After a solid turnout at last year’s Eurovision, one would expect Jedwardmania to propel Ireland further up the ranks this year.

8) Ajai Chopra-The deputy director of the IMF’s European department has been a regular visitor to these shores in recent months following the decision by the Irish government to sell our economic sovereignty to the powers that be in Brussels and Berlin. “Chopper” is a 20 year veteran with the IMF and shoulders some of the blame for the burden of debt placed on the Irish people. Had it not been for the economic ineptitude of repetitive Irish government’s he would not have become the notorious celebrity he is today.

9)Brian Kennedy-The Voice of Ireland himself. Self proclaimed media whore, once wrote a song or two and continues to publicise his less than popular book by making ridiculous insinuations. Irish rugby captain Brian O’Driscoll has yet to clarify whether or not he is in fact Kennedy’s sweetheart.

10)Thierry Henry-Irish people certainly know how to hold a grudge and no one will ever forget the France striker’s handball that effectively ended Irish hopes of making it to the 2010 World Cup.

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