Advertisements

Posts Tagged ‘ Late Late Show ’

News In Brief: Healy-Rae’s Cross And Gerry’s Not Happy Either

Mmmm Michael-Healy-Rae (image: irishecho.com.au)

Mmmm Michael-Healy-Rae (image: irishecho.com.au)

This, was the week Gerry Adams used the word “bastards” and everyone went mental but he wasn’t the only one letting his mouth work before his brain had had a chance to turn on.

Gregory Campbell a DUP politician and “b**tard” really went to town when he decided to lay into the Irish Language, poor defenceless little thing that it is. “Curry my yoghurt can coca coalyer” he told the Northern Assembly, taking the piss out of the Irish phrase: “Go raibh maith agat, Ceann Comhairle” meaning “Thank you, Chairperson”. He couldn’t see the big deal though and also said any proposed Irish Language Act would be treated, by himself, as toilet paper. Charming. Anyone that didn’t get the joke he said, needed a humour bypass. NIB doesn’t know, maybe he thought he was saying something else entirely, like; A man walked into a bar …. Or maybe he was just pissed, you’d need a drink to face the Northern Assembly. Continue reading

Advertisements

News In Brief: Joan’s Phone-Gate Ruins World Egg Day

Joan Burton demonstrates her own new phone (image: Independent.ie)

Joan Burton demonstrates her own new phone (image: Independent.ie)

It’s that time of the week again, NIB knows you all sit prostrate and silent waiting for your weekly News in Brief, well here it is.

It seems a week cannot pass without Joan Burton saying something stupid. This time it was water meter protestors who she said: “Seem to have extremely expensive phones, tablets, video cameras. There has been the most extensive filming in relation to any of these actions that I have ever seen anywhere. Hollywood would be in the ha’penny place compared to what’s done here.” Holy mother of God! How could they? They’re obviously all social-welfare scrounging, JobBridge dropouts aren’t they Joan?! People on the dole shouldn’t be allowed food let alone phones, the shtate this country’s in, if only we didn’t have to fund Joan’s massive salary, free top-of-the-range devices, car and fecking dry cleaning.

Meanwhile in the Dail they were discussing removing the morning’s opening prayer (do you ever think how mad it is that our politicians sit around and talk about shite for hours, just for the craic?) Of course it’s all just a cover for playground-politics and evading the real issues, but Clare Daly thinks saying a prayer in the morning is “offensive”. It is part of a wider battle to get a law from 1855 prosecuting blasphemy removed from the constitution. But Clare, if no-ones given a shite since 1855 why should we bother now? They’ll only have to reprint the whole constitution (probably on pretty pink paper with a laminated cover) before they decided there’s a law banning cutting your toe nails they want to scrap. Continue reading

News in Brief: Heatwave Prompts D’Arcy To Court The Snip

American consumption of Kerrygold is all wrong (image: yumkid.com)

American consumption of Kerrygold is all wrong (image: yumkid.com)

NIB hopes you have all sufficiently wept at our silence last week, we were away, topping up our milky tan. In the meantime it’s been hot lads, fierce hot. Mammies are making salads for god’s sake, the end is nigh.

It’s obviously getting to Ray D’Arcy who’s going to have the snip, live, on his show on Today FM. The decision came about after discussing the operation with a doctor, as most good decisions do. As the doc explained the simple procedure D’Arcy, in a heat wave reckoned he’d do it, while everyone at home listened. Whether he goes through with it is yet to be decided but rumours are TV3 are already planning a spin-off ‘Celebrity Castration: Live’ to air in the same slot as the Late Late. Continue reading

News in Brief – Shatter Resigns As Kenny Morphs Into Putin

shatter

Before we kick off can you all take a minute to imagine the theme to The Apprentice . . . got it? OK now we can start.

Alan Shatter has left the building. While the Indo asked ‘who trapped the rat in Leinster House?’ The answer became obvious, it was Enda and he was clutching him by his whiskery tail.

So Shatter has resigned and the future of the justice system is restored, well not exactly, but it’s bound to be a bit better right? RIGHT?! Former social worker Frances Fitzgerald has stepped up to the plate so hopefully she has a better idea of right and wrong. That’s beside the point though what NIB would like to draw everyone’s attention to is that Kenny has taken over Defence. Put a crown on him and call him Putin. Surely putting our dear leader in charge of the country’s defence policy is like appointing him leader of all things. Maybe NIB is exaggerating but you just wait, when the words ‘5-year-plans’ slip out you’ll know we warned you! Continue reading

News in Brief: MP Suggests Ireland Join British Commonwealth

 

michaelfabricant

Tory MP With A Great Thatch

The Cabinet is being rifled with again, like a bowl of crap crisps at a party. Apparently the Taoiseach has said it will be in September after the European elections and could see Ruairi Quinn sent to the back of the class in the Department of Education. A senior source though has said no one really knows what’s going on. Sure if they don’t know who’s in charge of what, how will we know who to complain about?

A fella in Dublin is complaining, about his complete lack of golfing ability. In fact he is selling his clubs after coming to the realisation ‘I’m a danger to both myself and everyone else on the golf course’. Aww. The vendor, Ciaran, has declared himself the worst golfer in the world and is also selling some other golfing kit on Done Deal, ‘Also included is a Sureshot GPS unit for measuring distance to front/middle/ back of green on each hole. Please note this is only of use if you have any balls left to hit.’ Continue reading

News in Brief- Cork Ice Cream Men Brawl As President Visits UK

bertiesuperman

Two ice cream men have themselves whipped up into a frenzy as both face charges for assault. Frederick Williams (31), of Gurranabraher, Cork and Alan O’Halloran (29), from Churchfield, Cork have begun a turf war over the best ice cream spots in the second city after things got a little out of hand. An altercation became violent and, it has been claimed, one of the men reached into the other’s van and ‘pulled his ice cream lever’. (Please insert your own appropriate ice cream pun).

Did you know?! RTE spends over €1,000 a day on hair and make-up and that’s not just on the upkeep of Brian Dobson’s coiffure! In figures revealed by The Sun, RTE haven’t been holding back when it comes to making sure their stars look radiant, glowing and like they’ve spent the last 20 minutes in a very hot oven. That’s not all though €18,682 went on food and drink for the Late Late green room in one year. That’s not just any backstage food, that’s M&S backstage food. Continue reading

A Year in Brief: Part Two

sineadandmiley

Part two of NIB’s yearly round-up because 2013 was just too good! (Read part one here).

Dublin’s new bridge, crossing the Liffey at Marlborough Street and connecting Luas lines on each side of the river, was on the lookout for a name. A list of 85 possibilities was suggested by the public which was then shortlisted by Dublin City Council to 17. Some suggestions in a comments thread on The Times website included: Bosco Bridge; Daniel Day Luas Bridge (nice); Da Plain People O’Ireland Bridge; Jedward Bridge; and NIB favourite, the Feckin’ Bridge. Continue reading

Advertisements
Advertisements