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Posts Tagged ‘ Louis Walsh ’

News In Brief – No Make Up Selfie Mix Up Saves Polar Bears

dougalThere have been some great news stories this week. Too much in fact for NIB, it’s meant to be brief!

To kick us off a man in Cavan has been banned from painting roads for two years. Martin Hannigan, an ‘anti-pothole’ campaigner, has been threatened with a prison sentence if he continues to paint warning signs around potholes on his county’s roads. Ironically he has also been fined for damaging the public highway, the very highway he wants to save! He needs Bono. Continue reading

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News in Brief – IMF Here To Stay As Anti-Semites Attack Shatter

Sugar_Hill_posters

Our Troika days may be numbered but the IMF won’t be leaving just yet, according to the Mission Chief (a misleadingly exciting title if ever there was one). Nope, officers of the IMF could be here well into 2015 to make sure we don’t be bold with our budget again. It’s reported they’ve all developed a taste for the Guinness and can’t remember the way home, that’s the official line anyway, reality is they want to keep their eyes on Enda et. al. to make sure we’re still paying back every bit of bailout we owe. The Mission Chief (seriously, sounds like an astronaut or something) has said we could still be settling our debts up to 2023 but for now, he’ll only be checking in for sixth monthly visits. Byyeeee!

There’s been some particularly troubling protesting going on in West Limerick after a selection of anti-Semitic posters were put up across Sugar Hill Bridge. The posters, that appeared overnight, largely carry the sentiment that Alan Shatter is some kind of cartoon Jewish villain that’s trying to turn our country into Palestine. Whilst this kind of attitude is not acceptable in contemporary society, points are awarded for imagination, what Shatter’s faith has to do on his role in government is undefinable. Laughable really, like the poster that uniquely referred to the Protection of Life During Pregnancy Bill and called Enda Kenny, Enda Herod. Honestly lads, he’s a big enough head already without thinking he’s a king! Continue reading

News in Brief – Mourners Upset As Travellers Brawl At Cemetery

fightIt’s that time again, for our weekly round-up of all the mad crap that goes on in this country.

Without wanting to upset anyone NIB starts with some terrible, terrible news. Louis Walsh is going to leave the X Factor. Noooooooooo. Anyway on with this week’s news. Continue reading

News in Brief-President Called “Acknowledged Homosexual” As Jedward Return

Olympic TorchSilly season hasn’t quite got underway with enough speed this year. NIB wants false accusations of homosexuality, sex-fetish filled Ireland and Jedward to do something stupid! Oh wait . . .

Who knew Michael D was an “acknowledged homosexual”? Not even Michael D himself, must have come as quite a surprise to his wife and four kids. American ’Forbes’ magazine was forced to issue an apology after a piece claimed Higgins was a massive gay boy. They weren’t exactly their words. Michael D wasn’t bothered though, because he’s a massive legend, he just got on with this week’s engagements. How would Enda react to similar claims NIB wonders? Continue reading

News in Brief- Giant Snowman Kidnapped From Wicklow As Cork Councillor Suggests Remedy For Doggy Dirt

snowyJust call him Leveson Walsh, old Louis’s fought press laws and he’s won. The X Factor judge has this week settled a €500,000 defamation action against News Group Newspapers in Ireland. This comes alongside the results of the Lord Justice Leveson inquiry into press standards in the UK. The full four volume work was published yesterday and could see the papers going quiet over the water. But not News in Brief. No, we shall continue un-rumbled by the regulators for a while at least.

It’s not even the 1st of December but Santa and his helpers are on red alert. Particularly in County Wicklow where Snowy, the imaginatively named, giant snowman has gone missing and up to five hundred Christmas trees have also been nabbed.

Growers are employing extra security and even installing CCTV to protect their pines. But for poor Snowy it was too little, too late. Last seen wearing a black hat and carrot nose, the sixty foot inflatable worth approximately €3000, went missing from his home above a shop on Fitzwilliam street in the town. Although there have been some reported sightings nothing has been confirmed.

Enda nearly had egg on his face yesterday as students protested against grants cuts at University College Dublin. The Taoiseach who was visiting the university to launch their new sports centre narrowly avoided the missiles. Members of Free Education for Everyone who were involved in orchestrating the demonstration accused Mr Kenny’s budget of targeting societies most vulnerable. A worthy cause, but who’ll stand up for cannon fodder, those poor innocent chickens?

Some say he can smell dogs mess from four miles away. Some say his family call him the Super Pooper Scooper. All we know is that a councillor in Cork wants to start DNA testing dogs mess in an effort to crack down on pavement foulers! Cllr Kevin O’Keeffe (FF) raised the issue at a recent council meeting after researching similar methods used in the US.

Apparently any accidents at Sellafield nuclear site would have no ill effects on Ireland according to a new report but News in Brief fears it may be too late. Earlier this week another two Jedwards, clones (all right if you’ve seen them that’s questionable) of the original two were unleashed on the world! A Jedquad if you will. It’s OK though the two new Grimes’ are only wax works at the National Wax Museum in Dublin. We hope.

And finally Newstalk radio posed an interesting question during the week. Do Protestants put the toaster in the press overnight? Answers on a postcard.

Space for rent. Cheap rates. Would suit professionals in the British media. Fully furnished with space for free speech, features and articles. No Independent regulators or politicians need apply.

News in Brief-United We Stand,Divided We Fall

This week we (well, not me) waved goodbye to Westlife. The fab four retired from the limelight with a farewell concert at Croke Park supported by our favourite twins who perhaps for one week should remain nameless. Never before have four men hopped off stools so diligently (and so many times), whilst the two blonde ones didn’t miss a background note and the brunettes sang someone else’s song.

As well as the eighty thousand fans that filled the stadium the concert was also broadcast across cinemas in Ireland and the UK which is presumably where old member, Brian McFatOne, sorry, McFadden, watched stoically, tears lining his cheeks. He taught them that stool move and not one of them said thank you . . .
It looks like detention for Shane Filan though who will continue to be managed by Louis Walsh as he launches his solo career as the ‘male Adele’ in a bid to reverse his bankruptcy.
 
Many Ulster Bank customers have faced their own financial difficulties over the last two weeks after a ‘technical fault’ at the bank left many payments unprocessed and some accounts empty. Today, Ulster Bank staff are still trying to clear the backlog of unprocessed transactions, now extending their prediction of resumed normal service to the beginning of next week. It’s a good job we’re used to not relying on our banks anymore otherwise this newest failure on their part may have come as a surprise.
 
Talking of Jimmy Carr’s unprocessed tax transactions – we were weren’t we? – the controversy has sparked debate on this side of the water as well. Whilst we know certain superstars of our own *cough-Bono-cough* have made use of off-shore, legal, tax reduction measures it is unlikely they will face a barrage like Carr as the Irish economy relies in part on the income of the `legitimate tax avoidance measures` we offer global companies such as Facebook, Google and Apple .
 
 . . So moving swiftly on.
 
Two newly weds in Cork had trouble with a gatecrasher at their wedding, at the Castlemartyr Resort where Bill Clinton also happened to be staying. Mr Howard, who is from Killavullen in north Cork and Ms Seamans, from Minneapolis in the US, where both more than happy to squeeze the former President into a wedding snap. Now that’s one for Facebook.
Another couple who may soon be updating their statuses are the Queen and Sinn Féin MLA Martin McGuinness who cemented their friendship this week with a lovely, long handshake.
 
There’s no love lost between the Queen and Martin McGuinness, his former affiliates blew up her cousin, she’s the Queen. That’s just how it is. Or was. But after Wednesday, when they met in matching colours and shook hands not once, but twice for the assembled press it seems Anglo-Irish relations may be on the up. Or not. McGuinness was quick to reassure, ‘I’m still a Republican.’ Maybe it’s still more ‘complicated’ than ‘in a relationship’.
 
 

News In Brief:Bruton Backtracks on Treaty Mishap, Dublin Housewives Set To Air

We’ve all had those nights. When you promise yourself you’ll be good and only take a certain amount of cash with you. Then after a few shandy’s out comes the bank card and all your well spurned over-spending firmly in the shade? Well the government are suffering that over indulged hangover right now as they re-hire dozens of civil servants that took early retirement to avail of cash pay-outs earlier this year.

In one case an assistant secretary re-hired by the Department of Agriculture will cost €120,860 on top of his pension.
It’s like the spending that can’t be stopped as these retired staff are now welcomed back on a weekly pay rate for positions that could otherwise ‘not be filled’. That’s odd, I’m almost sure I saw a queue outside the welfare office . . ?
In fact dozens of lawyers, private bankers and accountants are working for free in the Department of Finance to “boost the expertise” of the current work force.
So we’ve had to rehire the retired to re-replace the existing workers who are incapable? Has the world gone mad or have we all been drinking too much?!
 

Perhaps Jobs Minister Richard Bruton had been drinking when on Today FM he suggested a ‘no’ vote in the fiscal treaty could lead to the vote being held again. Bruton quickly backtracked on his statement and Fine Gael’s Simon Coveney has since assured voters this is not Nice or Lisbon; “This government will have to respect that [no] and deal with the consequences.” Coveney was quoted. A government that listens to and implements the needs of the nation? I’ll drink to that!

Last year Irish author Julian Gough, took umbrage with the organisers of the eponymous Wodehouse literary prize after discovering their winner was secured before the short list was drawn up. The well sought prize for the winner of the Wodehouse award? Well the top author has the honour of bestowing their name on a pig.
Gough offended by the fix in the competition stole the prize pig from its home in Wales threatening to return the animal “sausage by sausage” until the competition was made fair.
In a twist to the tale, and despite Gough’s criminal activity, this year the writer has once again been short listed for the award and could yet be bringing home the bacon.
 
Another work of fiction in the news this week are the further revelations concerning Louis Walsh and his not so likely lover boy. It now seems Leonard Watters was in fact paid by a journalist from The Sun to come forward with his nightclub naughties incriminating Walsh and earning himself six months in prison. The story was reported this week by the Independent who had discovered the female journalist met with Watters on a number of occasions even accompanying him to Pearse Street Garda Station to make his claims as well as promising €700 for his exclusive.
 
TV3 have unleashed the latest “celebrity” monster since ‘Tallafornia’. ‘Dublin Housewives’, is set to send the careers of a few skyrocketing . . . or not. Yet another “reality” programme ‘Dublin Housewives’ follows the trials and tribulations of the not so rich and famous. Watch if you like trash TV and want to escape the depressing day to day, not if you’re looking for original opinion and intellectual insight.
 
A new atlas of Ireland has been launched giving detailed locations of some of Ireland’s famous and historical land marks. Included are the world’s oldest fossilised footprints in Kerry, and Broome Bridge in Dublin, where Sir William Rowan Hamilton invented a new type of algebra in 1843. Some sites not listed on the atlas include; Father Ted’s house, Bono’s sunglasses storage facility, Bertie Ahern’s private bank (reportedly viewable from space) and the strange location from whence Jedward came.
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