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Posts Tagged ‘ News ’

News In Brief: Criminal Does A Runner As Gardai Takeaway

Abrakebabra or Macaris? You decide! (image: soundtrackcollector.com)

Abrakebabra or Macaris? You decide! (image: soundtrackcollector.com)

Up first in our brief news this week a classic crime story that could only happen on our fair Isle. A dangerous criminal escaped from Garda custody as the lads in blue pulled their van over at a chipper. Sure you can’t fight crime when you’re starving! The public have been warned not to approach the criminal who is potentially dangerous, while the Gardai released a statement saying they preferred Abrakebabra to Macari’s.

Google have released the results of top searched for items in Ireland this year. It included such news stalwarts as the World Cup and Garthgate as well as the Greyhound recycling debacle. Amongst the predictable searches was Kim Kardashian’s arse and the death of Robin Williams but the real state of the nation was demonstrated in our second most popular googled question? How to… shift. What a romantic bunch we are. Continue reading

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News In Brief: Gay Cows, Water Rows And One Man’s Giant Marrow

Benjy the 'gay' bull faces the burger. (image: flamencoexport.com)

Benjy the ‘gay’ bull faces the burger. (image: flamencoexport.com)

According to South Korea NIB is too drunk to do their job properly this week, because of Ireland’s “alcoholism nature” but we’ll try our best.

You must have seen this story by now, a young teacher was refused a job in South Korea on the grounds the Irish are a bunch of drunks. Sure you wouldn’t want to work over there anyway they’re a fierce dry bunch of lads.

Remember, remember Thursday’s in November. According to the Injuries Board (great bunch of lads unlike some!) it’s the fourth day of the week in November that most workplace accidents occur, more than any other time of the year. Apparently the average award for a workplace accident increased from €27,286 in 2012 to €28,886 last year. But, their study also shows men get paid more in compensation than women! Although in an act of karma, men are twice as likely to get injured, ha, probably too busy waving their mickeys about. Men, pah!

Talking of the un-fairer sex, Benjy, a Mayo bull, is facing the slaughterhouse because apparently he’s gay. Well done Ireland, round of applause. Apparently the farmer who is remaining anonymous told the Irish Daily Mail he is ‘resigned’ to the animal’s sexuality. He bought him last year having been tested; “everything was normal” until he discovered none of his cows were preggers. He thought he may have been a “discreet chappie” who didn’t want to do his thing, but then started chasing his man friends around. Poor Benjy, he’s off to make some nice burgers though, nice and pink in the middle. Continue reading

News In Brief: Rainy Day As Austerity Goes Away

It's coming lads! (image courtesy: rock.genius.com)

It’s coming lads! (image courtesy: rock.genius.com)

Time for another game of `Who Said What this Week?` And guess who features, again, Joan Burton, obviously.

So what was it this week that was getting Joan’s knickers all twisted? She was speaking out about the news that tech giants Facebook and Apple are now going to pay for female employees to have their eggs frozen saying, she was `not a fan`. Hang on, does NIB agree? Oh god, we never thought this would happen, agreeing with Joan Burton (although she wasn’t exactly rocking the boat), let’s move quickly on… Continue reading

News In Brief: Danger Looms As Loo’s Demolished

The loom band disease spreads fast from extremities to internal organs! (image: pinterest.com)

The loom band disease spreads fast from extremities to internal organs! (image: pinterest.com)

Step away from the loom bands! They will KILL you. Danger is looming! Turns out the popular little rubber bands that everyone is spending hours tying in knots could actually be highly cancerous. Well not the actual bands, NIB doesn’t want to scaremonger, but the little charms you can add to your creations. They’ve been found to have excessive levels of carcinogens causing global panic. Or a small media panic. With each great craze comes a great fall, remember when Tamogotchis got smart and started taking over the world and the Americans had to be called in?

In other news it’s been Leaving Cert results week and in true Irish fashion a pub has been blacklisted for offering shots to students at 10.30am. The Bishopstown Bar in Cork, had to apologise after tweeting; ‘Best of luck to all getting results. Remember we serve alcohol from 10.30am’ proving just how important it is to pass your exams so you don’t end up running a pub that opens after Jeremy Kyle every morning. Continue reading

News in Brief: Pee, Plinths And ‘Prayery Bikers’

Prayery Bikers (image channel4.com)

Prayery Bikers (image channel4.com)

NIB may have ruined the weather for everyone after complaining it was too hot, it seems to have turned straight into Autumn, we’re not going to lie we’re considering putting the fire on.

But in other news, Cork’s footballers are in hot water after relieving water at the side of the pitch. It seems before their All-Ireland quarter-final defeat to Mayo in Croke Park, Corkian Fintan Goold got a bit nervous and just had to go for a tinkle. Fans and the Competitions Control Committee didn’t want to see his winkle though and he could now face a €300 ban. Many took to social media with one tweeting: ‘What about Fintan Goold flopping out the langer in the middle of Croke park and straining the spuds’, NIB couldn’t have put it better and anyway, if you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. Stadium full of thousands of spectators or not, he’s just a man! Continue reading

News In Brief: Burton In Hot Water As Baby Theo Goes Worldwide

burton

Let it be known, this was the week in which NIB curled up into a ball and died inside.

Theo Horan (Niall’s 1-year-old nephew, in case you didn’t know) now has his own website in what can only be described as mind crushingly insane. Honestly, you know those auditionees off X-Factor that make you feel squirmy, this is like that except not only does NIB feel squirmy but also genuinely worried for Niall’s brother, father of Theo, Greg who seems to think he’s the sixth member of One Direction. Not only can you now visit the site, you can also sign up for a regular newsletter because the proud parents ‘just can’t believe how amazing our fans are’. “Our fans” Greg? Really?

Two fools tried to sell two tickets to a non-existent Kodaline gig for a fiver apiece, but were caught out when they tried to tout them to two members of the band. Ah the heady price of fame. To be fair NIB isn’t sure we’d recognise them on the street either, unable as we are, to commit a single one of their songs to memory.

In more musical news a petition has been mounted to get Joan Burton to apologise to heavy metal fans who she suggested would be far more troublesome than Garth Brooks fans, another example of the minister’s inability to see what’s going on in the real world, after Garth-gate caused protests and general outrage across the country.  So far over 357 outraged rockers have signed the petition to tar Metallica fans in particular, with a far nicer brush. Despite the trademark tattoos and body piercings they insist they wouldn’t harm a fly, a country music loving farmer from Roscommon though, that’s a different matter. Continue reading

News In Brief: It’s HOT

Washing machines live longer in Limerick (image: airbnb.com)

Washing machines live longer in Limerick (image: airbnb.com)

 

What’s happened to the news? Where is it this week? Diving into the Liffey presumably, jaysus lads it’s quare hot. We’ll try our best anyway.

A four-foot-tall Emu has been stolen from a farm in Carlow. Owner Chris Kavanagh is increasingly concerned for the well fare of his big bird: ‘They do not survive on their own. They get very depressed. They’re fierce happy going around together, and they go off for a run now and again. But when they’re alone they get very depressed and they don’t eat.’ If anyone’s seen Imelda – it’s not really called Imelda but NIB likes the sound of it – they’re encouraged to get in touch. Perhaps you know someone who came home late one night after a few and now has a moving lampshade in the living room. Though: ‘I don’t know what anybody would want an emu for.’ Mr Kavanagh added. Continue reading

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