Posts Tagged ‘ nib ’

News In Brief: Criminal Does A Runner As Gardai Takeaway

Abrakebabra or Macaris? You decide! (image: soundtrackcollector.com)

Abrakebabra or Macaris? You decide! (image: soundtrackcollector.com)

Up first in our brief news this week a classic crime story that could only happen on our fair Isle. A dangerous criminal escaped from Garda custody as the lads in blue pulled their van over at a chipper. Sure you can’t fight crime when you’re starving! The public have been warned not to approach the criminal who is potentially dangerous, while the Gardai released a statement saying they preferred Abrakebabra to Macari’s.

Google have released the results of top searched for items in Ireland this year. It included such news stalwarts as the World Cup and Garthgate as well as the Greyhound recycling debacle. Amongst the predictable searches was Kim Kardashian’s arse and the death of Robin Williams but the real state of the nation was demonstrated in our second most popular googled question? How to… shift. What a romantic bunch we are. Continue reading

News In Brief: How Not To Be A Sinful Santa

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Sometimes you can’t make the news up, rather you can’t make the people who make the news up. NIB is thinking specifically here of the author who might remain nameless (NIB could change their mind) of The Kilkenny Journal. Their lead story this week: ‘Paedophiles set to pose as gays to marry and adopt kids’. At first NIB thought it was a joke, then we wished it was. According to the splash, predatory paedophiles are already flocking to Ireland in preparation for the gay marriage bill that will be going through the Dail in the spring. Once married they will use their status as happily married couples to adopt and then abuse children. NIB repeats, this is not a joke, this has actually been published online under the guise of actual factual reporting. Listen lads, it’s time to turn off the internet. We obviously can’t have nice things if this is how we behave. Continue reading

News In Brief: Gay Cows, Water Rows And One Man’s Giant Marrow

Benjy the 'gay' bull faces the burger. (image: flamencoexport.com)

Benjy the ‘gay’ bull faces the burger. (image: flamencoexport.com)

According to South Korea NIB is too drunk to do their job properly this week, because of Ireland’s “alcoholism nature” but we’ll try our best.

You must have seen this story by now, a young teacher was refused a job in South Korea on the grounds the Irish are a bunch of drunks. Sure you wouldn’t want to work over there anyway they’re a fierce dry bunch of lads.

Remember, remember Thursday’s in November. According to the Injuries Board (great bunch of lads unlike some!) it’s the fourth day of the week in November that most workplace accidents occur, more than any other time of the year. Apparently the average award for a workplace accident increased from €27,286 in 2012 to €28,886 last year. But, their study also shows men get paid more in compensation than women! Although in an act of karma, men are twice as likely to get injured, ha, probably too busy waving their mickeys about. Men, pah!

Talking of the un-fairer sex, Benjy, a Mayo bull, is facing the slaughterhouse because apparently he’s gay. Well done Ireland, round of applause. Apparently the farmer who is remaining anonymous told the Irish Daily Mail he is ‘resigned’ to the animal’s sexuality. He bought him last year having been tested; “everything was normal” until he discovered none of his cows were preggers. He thought he may have been a “discreet chappie” who didn’t want to do his thing, but then started chasing his man friends around. Poor Benjy, he’s off to make some nice burgers though, nice and pink in the middle. Continue reading

News In Brief: Rainy Day As Austerity Goes Away

It's coming lads! (image courtesy: rock.genius.com)

It’s coming lads! (image courtesy: rock.genius.com)

Time for another game of `Who Said What this Week?` And guess who features, again, Joan Burton, obviously.

So what was it this week that was getting Joan’s knickers all twisted? She was speaking out about the news that tech giants Facebook and Apple are now going to pay for female employees to have their eggs frozen saying, she was `not a fan`. Hang on, does NIB agree? Oh god, we never thought this would happen, agreeing with Joan Burton (although she wasn’t exactly rocking the boat), let’s move quickly on… Continue reading

News In Brief: Shannon, Sexism And Serious Amounts Of drugs

A whole hape of coke (image: Thejournal.ie)

A whole hape of coke (image: Thejournal.ie)

It’s been a grand aul week for the ploughing! Enda was there of course, making a show of himself at the annual championships – this year in Laois, but that wasn’t the only reason Irish farmers have been upset this week.

They’re not impressed with Rosanna Davison, daughter of a lady in red and Chris de Burgh, after she told readers of the Irish Independent’s Health and Living magazine that dairy products are bad for you. The Irish Creamery Milk Suppliers Association reacted accordingly calling her article “ill-advised and scientifically illiterate”. Zing! You can’t argue with science Rosanna, especially when you’re looking down the barrel of a big burger and a pint of milk! Mmm. Continue reading

News In Brief: Jeans, Ice Buckets And Silage Scent

Capture

Hold on to your ice buckets Enda Kenny’s wearing jeans. Thankfully, while on his hols at the Malton, he hasn’t decided to upend an icy bucket of water over his head. Sorry did NIB say thankfully? Would actually quite like to see Enda submerged, as long as there was no dodgy soggy t-shirt afterwards … This has gone too far.

Half of all the people watching telly on Tuesday night were tuned into the Rose of Tralee. It’s like we enjoy being LOL-ed at lads. Dáithí Ó Sé a bunch of “lovely gurls” and the most tepid talent show known to television. Yet four people watched it online in the UK. It’s not even news, every year is the same thing with attempts to make the antiquated “cool” and then we all watch it and complain about it, the winner wasn’t even Irish! Not that NIB was watching it, actually we were too busy watching Brian Ormond bugger up the Lotto. Continue reading

News in Brief: Pee, Plinths And ‘Prayery Bikers’

Prayery Bikers (image channel4.com)

Prayery Bikers (image channel4.com)

NIB may have ruined the weather for everyone after complaining it was too hot, it seems to have turned straight into Autumn, we’re not going to lie we’re considering putting the fire on.

But in other news, Cork’s footballers are in hot water after relieving water at the side of the pitch. It seems before their All-Ireland quarter-final defeat to Mayo in Croke Park, Corkian Fintan Goold got a bit nervous and just had to go for a tinkle. Fans and the Competitions Control Committee didn’t want to see his winkle though and he could now face a €300 ban. Many took to social media with one tweeting: ‘What about Fintan Goold flopping out the langer in the middle of Croke park and straining the spuds’, NIB couldn’t have put it better and anyway, if you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. Stadium full of thousands of spectators or not, he’s just a man! Continue reading