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Posts Tagged ‘ rats ’

News in Brief – Shatter Resigns As Kenny Morphs Into Putin

shatter

Before we kick off can you all take a minute to imagine the theme to The Apprentice . . . got it? OK now we can start.

Alan Shatter has left the building. While the Indo asked ‘who trapped the rat in Leinster House?’ The answer became obvious, it was Enda and he was clutching him by his whiskery tail.

So Shatter has resigned and the future of the justice system is restored, well not exactly, but it’s bound to be a bit better right? RIGHT?! Former social worker Frances Fitzgerald has stepped up to the plate so hopefully she has a better idea of right and wrong. That’s beside the point though what NIB would like to draw everyone’s attention to is that Kenny has taken over Defence. Put a crown on him and call him Putin. Surely putting our dear leader in charge of the country’s defence policy is like appointing him leader of all things. Maybe NIB is exaggerating but you just wait, when the words ‘5-year-plans’ slip out you’ll know we warned you! Continue reading

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A Year in Brief: Part One

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What a year it’s been; Hitler birthday cakes, mutant rats, and Bob Geldof off to space! To celebrate the end of another 365 days here are some of NIB’s favourite stories of the year.

Kicking off the year in festive spirit a man in Derry was fined after stealing a CCTV camera which “became his friend”. Police found Peter Morrison, 24, drunk and “petting” the camera as they arrived to arrest him. CCTV pets are for life not just for Christmas. Continue reading

News in Brief – IMF Here To Stay As Anti-Semites Attack Shatter

Sugar_Hill_posters

Our Troika days may be numbered but the IMF won’t be leaving just yet, according to the Mission Chief (a misleadingly exciting title if ever there was one). Nope, officers of the IMF could be here well into 2015 to make sure we don’t be bold with our budget again. It’s reported they’ve all developed a taste for the Guinness and can’t remember the way home, that’s the official line anyway, reality is they want to keep their eyes on Enda et. al. to make sure we’re still paying back every bit of bailout we owe. The Mission Chief (seriously, sounds like an astronaut or something) has said we could still be settling our debts up to 2023 but for now, he’ll only be checking in for sixth monthly visits. Byyeeee!

There’s been some particularly troubling protesting going on in West Limerick after a selection of anti-Semitic posters were put up across Sugar Hill Bridge. The posters, that appeared overnight, largely carry the sentiment that Alan Shatter is some kind of cartoon Jewish villain that’s trying to turn our country into Palestine. Whilst this kind of attitude is not acceptable in contemporary society, points are awarded for imagination, what Shatter’s faith has to do on his role in government is undefinable. Laughable really, like the poster that uniquely referred to the Protection of Life During Pregnancy Bill and called Enda Kenny, Enda Herod. Honestly lads, he’s a big enough head already without thinking he’s a king! Continue reading

News In Brief-Rat Plane Crashes In Dublin As Sports Team Go Off The Ball

Rats Safe After Airport Crash

Rats Safe After Airport Crash

If News in Brief can’t be bothered this week can we blame it on tooth ache like Rory McIlroy? Only joking News in Brief is always on the ball. Unlike the Newstalk sports pundits behind the ’Off The Ball’ team, they’re definitely off: the ball, the side and the airwaves. The group’s departure comes after the lads were not allowed the option of moving from 7pm to 6pm for fears listeners would not be receptive and incurring the wrath of George Hook. Despite the possibility of a swift swop to RTE any transfer deals haven’t been signed as yet and it’s getting closer to extra time (very proud of all those sport references). It’s a shame they left this week, there was some kind of ball game on Tuesday wasn’t there? Continue reading

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