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Posts Tagged ‘ Santa Claus ’

News In Brief: How Not To Be A Sinful Santa

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Sometimes you can’t make the news up, rather you can’t make the people who make the news up. NIB is thinking specifically here of the author who might remain nameless (NIB could change their mind) of The Kilkenny Journal. Their lead story this week: ‘Paedophiles set to pose as gays to marry and adopt kids’. At first NIB thought it was a joke, then we wished it was. According to the splash, predatory paedophiles are already flocking to Ireland in preparation for the gay marriage bill that will be going through the Dail in the spring. Once married they will use their status as happily married couples to adopt and then abuse children. NIB repeats, this is not a joke, this has actually been published online under the guise of actual factual reporting. Listen lads, it’s time to turn off the internet. We obviously can’t have nice things if this is how we behave. Continue reading

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10 Cutting Edge Technologies To Deliver Christmas Gifts

santa-infographic

Here’s Santa’s problem. He works all year round to make gifts for all the nice boys and girls, but he only has a very small 24-hour window to deliver all of them. Yes we all know he has major magic and can be in many places all at the same time, but still, the number of children all over the world just keeps on growing and growing. And all of them want to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus! This, unknown to many, really happens except most people think it’s just some guy with a pillow stuffed in the belly. All this posing and picture taking subtracts from Santa’s singular purpose of gift-giving.

It’s about time Men give back to Santa Claus and his Global Gift Giving Enterprise with state-of-the-art technology that’s nothing short of magical! In this infographic, we’ve nominated some of the most advanced tech ever imagined to help Santa out. Prepare to be amazed.

How about Santa’s very own SantaNet? It will be powered by Transcranial Pulsed Ultrasound devices worn by all of the world’s children and attached to millions of computers on an Artificial Neural Network all for the purpose of detecting who’s naughty or nice. That way Santa won’t have to keep checking his list twice. All these computers will feed data in a humungous Data Centre capable of storing Exabytes of data. Santa’s very own Naughtiness Database! In the heart of SantaNet will be the world’s most powerful supercomputer, a Christmas Cruncher capable of 33 quadrillions of calculations per second.

Then there’s the problem of red-nosed Rudolph and his gang of reindeer. Yes, him with the nose so bright guiding the sleighs on Christmas night. How to deliver billions of gifts to billions of children so all the nice ones get what they deserve on Christmas Eve? We’re giving them their own hyper-fast gift distribution network powered by delivery drones and Hyperloops.

And what about the elves? They need all the help they can get to manufacture just the right gift for the right child. We’re giving them, exoskeletons that multiply their gift-making magic many times over, plus self-heating roads crisscrossing the Polar Toy Hub so they don’t slip and slide while moving their precious cargo.

Our friends at FinancesOnline.com have included all these and more in their excellent infographic above.

News in Brief-Leave It Ouh Granny Joins Jedward In Panto

keep-calm-and-leave-it-ouhIf you’re reading this the world hasn’t ended – yet, anyway – and it’s nearly Christmas!

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. But actually “Rudolph’s nose is red because it is richly supplied with red blood cells, comprises a highly dense microcirculation, and is anatomically and physiologically adapted for reindeer to carry out their strenuous annual flying duties for Santa Claus.” This finding comes courtesy of a paper by physiologist Can Ince from Erasmus University in Rotterdam. “Using hand-held vital video microscopy used for imaging human nasal microcirculation in health, interventions and disease, we were able to solve an age-old mystery,” Prof Ince said.

Ten lords are leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids are milking, Eamon Gilmore’s swanning. According to Labour Senator John Whelan who accused his party leader Eamon Gilmore of being “out swanning around with Hilary Clinton” while he and other parliamentary colleagues were getting it in the neck from low-income working families. That’s going to be an awkward office Christmas party.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer but seven church goers in Limerick got clamped. A Parish Priest has given early Christmas presents to some of his parishioners after he bailed them out of their car clamping fines. The clamping occurred whilst the church goers were taking part in the annual carol concert in St Joseph’s Church, O’Connell Avenue, Limerick. After calling to the priest to express their concerns Fr Tom Mangan offered to pay the seven €100 fines.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas because with Bank of Ireland are to increasing their variable interest rate from 0.7% to 4% you’ll be paying it off till June. Enda Kenny said he “doesn’t like” the banks decision.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas when you see the first ad for panto. No less than the Dublin Bus Jedward panto, imaginatively titled, Jedward and the Magic Lamp. And this year another Grimes is joining the gang. Granny, Ann Grimes – sadly no relation, shot to viral fame after interrupting a fight in Dublin with shouts of “ah here leave it ouh”. Now she is set to reprise her role breaking up a brawl in the Magic Lamp taking her celebrity to the next level, or another level anyway. The price of fame, a Jedward panto?

Whether you’ll be seeing Jedward or not News in Brief wishes you all a merry Christmas. Off now to drink gin and eat enormous amounts of chocolate coins. See you after Christmas for a look back at the year.

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