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Posts Tagged ‘ Santa ’

News In Brief: How Not To Be A Sinful Santa

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Bah humbug Bus Eireann! (image: globalcool.org)

Sometimes you can’t make the news up, rather you can’t make the people who make the news up. NIB is thinking specifically here of the author who might remain nameless (NIB could change their mind) of The Kilkenny Journal. Their lead story this week: ‘Paedophiles set to pose as gays to marry and adopt kids’. At first NIB thought it was a joke, then we wished it was. According to the splash, predatory paedophiles are already flocking to Ireland in preparation for the gay marriage bill that will be going through the Dail in the spring. Once married they will use their status as happily married couples to adopt and then abuse children. NIB repeats, this is not a joke, this has actually been published online under the guise of actual factual reporting. Listen lads, it’s time to turn off the internet. We obviously can’t have nice things if this is how we behave. Continue reading

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News in Brief – Ireland Falls To A New Kind Of Criminal

lauren

Enda’s been away on a mission before the taste of Turkey has barely left our lips. Good old Enda, what would we do without him? Well, actually while he’s been away the Limerick City of Culture Committee has crumbled further. CEO Patricia Ryan has now resigned from her 18 month, €120,000 salary job. NIB said didn’t we?! We said last week it was going to get silly and it has.

Not only has Ryan been resigned to giving up the job (and its accompanying cash) now there are allegations of phone hacking as someone let slip of her departure on a blog an hour before she made an official statement. It’s hardly whistleblowing on an Edward Snowden scale. Talking to RTE Radio 1 an artist involved described the whole thing as ‘like a big game’ before painstakingly going through each play; ‘the players have come out on the pitch . . . there’s been an upset . . . the whistle goes’ yeah we get the idea. It’s a game, Monopoly, the Limerick version. Continue reading

10 Cutting Edge Technologies To Deliver Christmas Gifts

santa-infographic

Here’s Santa’s problem. He works all year round to make gifts for all the nice boys and girls, but he only has a very small 24-hour window to deliver all of them. Yes we all know he has major magic and can be in many places all at the same time, but still, the number of children all over the world just keeps on growing and growing. And all of them want to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus! This, unknown to many, really happens except most people think it’s just some guy with a pillow stuffed in the belly. All this posing and picture taking subtracts from Santa’s singular purpose of gift-giving.

It’s about time Men give back to Santa Claus and his Global Gift Giving Enterprise with state-of-the-art technology that’s nothing short of magical! In this infographic, we’ve nominated some of the most advanced tech ever imagined to help Santa out. Prepare to be amazed.

How about Santa’s very own SantaNet? It will be powered by Transcranial Pulsed Ultrasound devices worn by all of the world’s children and attached to millions of computers on an Artificial Neural Network all for the purpose of detecting who’s naughty or nice. That way Santa won’t have to keep checking his list twice. All these computers will feed data in a humungous Data Centre capable of storing Exabytes of data. Santa’s very own Naughtiness Database! In the heart of SantaNet will be the world’s most powerful supercomputer, a Christmas Cruncher capable of 33 quadrillions of calculations per second.

Then there’s the problem of red-nosed Rudolph and his gang of reindeer. Yes, him with the nose so bright guiding the sleighs on Christmas night. How to deliver billions of gifts to billions of children so all the nice ones get what they deserve on Christmas Eve? We’re giving them their own hyper-fast gift distribution network powered by delivery drones and Hyperloops.

And what about the elves? They need all the help they can get to manufacture just the right gift for the right child. We’re giving them, exoskeletons that multiply their gift-making magic many times over, plus self-heating roads crisscrossing the Polar Toy Hub so they don’t slip and slide while moving their precious cargo.

Our friends at FinancesOnline.com have included all these and more in their excellent infographic above.

News in Brief- Irish Emigrants Blamed For STD Influx In NZ

irishAlan Shatter is in trouble this week for apparently offending ‘old’ prostitutes. Honestly, the man has experienced anti-semitic hatred and cruel personal jibes recently and then he goes and calls prostitutes working in Ireland ‘old’. Actually, the story is not quite as clear-cut as tabloid headlines would have us believe, SHOCK and AWE. He wasn’t calling all prostitutes old, just some.

Our international reputation isn’t doing so well either after an article in the New York Times has caused uproar, depicting life in post-Tiger Ireland. According to the piece produced by Liz Alderman, there’s a man in Shankill in Dublin who shoots and BBQ’s pigeons to survive. The story has met widespread disapproval from locals and councillors of Shankill alike; Fine Gael TD Mary Mitchell O’Connor said she rejects the description of the town and the main subject of the article, who used to own boats and a five-bedroom house and now resorts to pigeon shooting on the street to survive. NIB isn’t sure, perhaps Shankill is the social equivalent of Mordor, I mean American’s don’t normally exaggerate do they? Continue reading

News in Brief : Backhanders And Blackouts

dobson

NIB is sure we’ve covered this before, but hey, Irish women are the best looking in the world and that’s cause for celebration (drink based traditionally). The ranks made up by a dating site, aptly called BeautifulPeople.com weren’t so positive about Irish men though, ranking them third ugliest on the planet. It’s a small positive though as a few years ago they were ranked the ugliest. Sorry lads.

Talking of beautiful Irish things, we’re going to start selling off our heritage sites to the highest bidder. In yet another example of the Government trying to claw back the cash they splurged on champagne and caviar, they are now going to lease out sites like Dublin and Kilkenny Castles, Derrynane House and Doneraile Wildlife Park to the most persuasive tender. Apparently the rules are that any new commercial usage plans must be in check with the historical heritage of the site so no casinos or hotels will be permitted, unless the brown envelope’s thick enough. Minister for Public Service Reform Brian Hayes said: ‘I don’t know how successful it’s going to be, I have to be very frank.’ Continue reading

News in Brief- Giant Snowman Kidnapped From Wicklow As Cork Councillor Suggests Remedy For Doggy Dirt

snowyJust call him Leveson Walsh, old Louis’s fought press laws and he’s won. The X Factor judge has this week settled a €500,000 defamation action against News Group Newspapers in Ireland. This comes alongside the results of the Lord Justice Leveson inquiry into press standards in the UK. The full four volume work was published yesterday and could see the papers going quiet over the water. But not News in Brief. No, we shall continue un-rumbled by the regulators for a while at least.

It’s not even the 1st of December but Santa and his helpers are on red alert. Particularly in County Wicklow where Snowy, the imaginatively named, giant snowman has gone missing and up to five hundred Christmas trees have also been nabbed.

Growers are employing extra security and even installing CCTV to protect their pines. But for poor Snowy it was too little, too late. Last seen wearing a black hat and carrot nose, the sixty foot inflatable worth approximately €3000, went missing from his home above a shop on Fitzwilliam street in the town. Although there have been some reported sightings nothing has been confirmed.

Enda nearly had egg on his face yesterday as students protested against grants cuts at University College Dublin. The Taoiseach who was visiting the university to launch their new sports centre narrowly avoided the missiles. Members of Free Education for Everyone who were involved in orchestrating the demonstration accused Mr Kenny’s budget of targeting societies most vulnerable. A worthy cause, but who’ll stand up for cannon fodder, those poor innocent chickens?

Some say he can smell dogs mess from four miles away. Some say his family call him the Super Pooper Scooper. All we know is that a councillor in Cork wants to start DNA testing dogs mess in an effort to crack down on pavement foulers! Cllr Kevin O’Keeffe (FF) raised the issue at a recent council meeting after researching similar methods used in the US.

Apparently any accidents at Sellafield nuclear site would have no ill effects on Ireland according to a new report but News in Brief fears it may be too late. Earlier this week another two Jedwards, clones (all right if you’ve seen them that’s questionable) of the original two were unleashed on the world! A Jedquad if you will. It’s OK though the two new Grimes’ are only wax works at the National Wax Museum in Dublin. We hope.

And finally Newstalk radio posed an interesting question during the week. Do Protestants put the toaster in the press overnight? Answers on a postcard.

Space for rent. Cheap rates. Would suit professionals in the British media. Fully furnished with space for free speech, features and articles. No Independent regulators or politicians need apply.

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