Advertisements

Posts Tagged ‘ Taoiseach ’

News in Brief: Quinn Jumps Before He’s Pushed

NIB's favourite artistes (image courtesy: planetjedward.net)

NIB’s favourite artistes (image courtesy: planetjedward.net)

In what can only be described as typical, Enda Kenny’s put his foot firmly into his mouth -this week he’s been calling Joan-people! People, he’s been calling people fat, according to Micheal Martin anyway. The Fianna Fail leader accused the Taoiseach of being fattist following questioning over the decision to suspend gastric band operations. In a bid to save money Enda suggested the waiting patients go for a jog instead and cut out the Supermacs: ‘prevention is better than cure’ to which Martin took offence. He reckons obese people are subject to ‘the last acceptable form of discrimination’, although conceded this couldn’t be applied to James Reilly.

In other political news Ruairi Quinn has been retired! Well jumped, before he was pushed, out of Leinster House. What does this mean for us?! NIB hears you all cry. Oh no sorry, you were wondering about your World Cup Office sweepstake now USA are out. Continue reading

Advertisements

News in Brief – Bins, Ming and the Taoiseach’s Things

Ming Campainging for BOI to Keep our Fur!

Ming campaigning for BOI to Keep our Fur!

A 90-year-old woman is being pursued by debt collectors for a €14 bin fine. That’s right, while the world crumbles and Ming Flanagan seems our most viable option for Europe, Dublin City Council want their €14 back! The woman, who has not been named, lives alone in inner-city Dublin and became the subject of the debt collectors interest over an unpaid bill dating back to the privatisation of Dublin’s waste collection services. Four letters were sent threatening aggressive legal action and publication in Stubbs Gazette. Well done lads, what a lovely bunch you are, can NIB point you in the direction of a Mr Shatter who owes us €70k?

A painting by Michael Flatley tops the list of the Taoiseach’s most expensive gifts. The painting title ‘The Irish Potato Famine’ was created by Flatley daubing his feet in paint and dancing on a canvas (and you can tell) and has been valued at €5000. Other gifts include a golden replica of the Mecca Royal Hotel Clock Tower (Enda’s a bingo fan), a bust of JFK, a bottle of booze from the Queen and a boat. So that’s nice isn’t it? Good old Enda. NIB got three pairs of tights last Christmas . . . Continue reading

News in Brief: MP Suggests Ireland Join British Commonwealth

 

michaelfabricant

Tory MP With A Great Thatch

The Cabinet is being rifled with again, like a bowl of crap crisps at a party. Apparently the Taoiseach has said it will be in September after the European elections and could see Ruairi Quinn sent to the back of the class in the Department of Education. A senior source though has said no one really knows what’s going on. Sure if they don’t know who’s in charge of what, how will we know who to complain about?

A fella in Dublin is complaining, about his complete lack of golfing ability. In fact he is selling his clubs after coming to the realisation ‘I’m a danger to both myself and everyone else on the golf course’. Aww. The vendor, Ciaran, has declared himself the worst golfer in the world and is also selling some other golfing kit on Done Deal, ‘Also included is a Sureshot GPS unit for measuring distance to front/middle/ back of green on each hole. Please note this is only of use if you have any balls left to hit.’ Continue reading

News in Brief- Cork Ice Cream Men Brawl As President Visits UK

bertiesuperman

Two ice cream men have themselves whipped up into a frenzy as both face charges for assault. Frederick Williams (31), of Gurranabraher, Cork and Alan O’Halloran (29), from Churchfield, Cork have begun a turf war over the best ice cream spots in the second city after things got a little out of hand. An altercation became violent and, it has been claimed, one of the men reached into the other’s van and ‘pulled his ice cream lever’. (Please insert your own appropriate ice cream pun).

Did you know?! RTE spends over €1,000 a day on hair and make-up and that’s not just on the upkeep of Brian Dobson’s coiffure! In figures revealed by The Sun, RTE haven’t been holding back when it comes to making sure their stars look radiant, glowing and like they’ve spent the last 20 minutes in a very hot oven. That’s not all though €18,682 went on food and drink for the Late Late green room in one year. That’s not just any backstage food, that’s M&S backstage food. Continue reading

Love/Hate : An Alternative Look

lovehate

The penultimate series of Love/Hate finished last night with fans somewhat aggrieved that only two mid card characters met a gruesome death.

Here we take a look back at the hit show to date, explaining all amidst the backdrop of the Irish government.

Nigel “Nidge” Delaney – The Taoiseach

So starting at the top of the food chain, we have Nidge. The replacement to former Taoiseach, John-Boy, R.I.P. , who did not get to retire with a state pension. Nidge acts like a boss simply cause he is the boss. As well as the post of Taoiseach he also doubles up as the Minister for Finance. Nidge is a busy boy, agitated constantly from his sheer work load he keeps everything going, allocates finance where necessary and watches the budget with hawk eyes. He, like all bosses , has had to make some big and hurtful decisions so far in his career. He has had to let staff go with a bang to ensure that the State stays afloat. He has had to be ruthless to repel any ideas of him being overturned. He is not a big fan of democracy, he would rather be a dictator. What you wouldn’t say to Nidge, ‘Did you have Darren clipped?’. Continue reading

News in Brief – Corrupt Government To Silence The Internet As Leaving Cert Cheaters Face Anxious Wait

frted

Do you smell like sheep s***? Do people avoid you because of your stink? Are you a hardened farmer with his own willies and appropriate tan? If you can drive a bullet proof John Dere you could be in luck , Pope Francis may have the job for you! Apparently the Pope wants his bishops to be real shepherds, actual shepherds, with sheep. No not really, but he wants them to be leaders of their flock, part of the farm, a bishop in wolves clothing even. Or sheets clothing anyway. Continue reading

News in Brief-Shatter’s Racy Novel Returns While Irish Biscuit Gambler Isn’t a Jammie Dodger

A cardinal at the Vatican at the beginning of the week, claimed Enda Kenny wasn’t making sense, after the Taoiseach reportedly asked: ’How do you like your eggs in the morning? Raising eyebrows Enda went on to say: ’I’m a teapot and I’ve made some terrible mistakes in regards to our country’s future but I’m really, really sorry and that. It’s not you, it’s your beard.’ It’s unclear who he was referring to. Continue reading

Advertisements
Advertisements