News in Brief-Vandals Graffiti Cork Graveyard As Dog Seatbelts Appear On The Agenda

It’s a horror filled News in Brief this week. Consider it a public service announcement, we’re all only minutes from death!

First, if your fit, not afraid of losing limbs and looking for work, NIB may have found the perfect position (haemophiliacs need not apply). If you’ve always wanted work that pushes you to the edge of your endurance Dublin City Council could be the place for you as new figures show the number of personal injury claims by staff while at work total €2.3m. Who knew life in public service could be so rough? 155 cases are still outstanding though employees often opt to stay at work during ongoing legal proceedings. Bless the brave souls of the city council.

Transport Minister Leo Varadkar is consulting with the Road Safety Authority on the necessity for “dog seatbelts” the imaginative term coined by the Independent for in-car animal harnesses. We all knew the roads were dangerous but little did you know the biggest danger is your pet pooch in the boot. A spokesman for Mr Varadkar said the general advice is that neither people nor objects should be ’unrestrained when travelling in vehicles’. Would this include handbags? Shopping bags? Shoes?! All this time NIB’s de-icer has been rolling around in the footwell waiting to strike! Chief executive of the ISPCA Noel Griffin said ’dogs are liable to jump out of the car after a long holiday trip’. Understandable, after a week or more in close quarters with our nearest and dearest NIB has been known to do the same thing.

Children around the country have been needlessly losing fingers!!! New research that examined theatre lists of fingertip injury repairs around the country has shown up to 15 children a week are suffering at the hands of the humble door. Dr Eadie, president of the Irish Association of Plastic Surgeons suggest parents install a €3 door stop to prevent doors closing and severing digits perhaps ruining fingers forever. NIB suggests we all take a long hard look at ourselves. Apparently a significant number of patients did not attend follow-up appointments leading the media to surmise there were no ’long term problems’.

’What do you want to do on Thursday night lads?’
’Sure, will we not vandalise on the headstones down the graveyard?’
’That’ll be deadly craic! Get it, deadly!’
’har har har’

It’s all a bit of fun till someone draws a swastika on gravestones in Cork. Or of course it’s not, it’s mindless, ignorant vandalism. Other graffiti that appeared in the yard, after the night of Thursday 28th March included, ’f*** the IRA’ which might be a more popular – if slightly crude – sentiment if it weren’t for the fact this was on a grave and clearly done by idiots who could not think of one single other thing to do on a Thursday night. Watch TV, do their laundry, repeatedly stub their own toes. Can NIB suggest we use these special individuals to test the effectiveness of Dr Eadie’s door jamb

Oh the humanity. NIB is going inside now and might not come back out for fear of instant peril.

At least Carlingford in County Louth has been lit up by news the area experiences a remarkable amount of rainbows. Locals estimate there were about 280 through 2012 with some double arched bows. Awww.

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