News in Brief- McGuinness & Healy Rae Slip Up As C Word Banned From The Dàil

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So last week we were feeling optimistic, this week we find out burglary, extortion and hijacking offences are up 34 per cent. But murder is down! Hurrah! But let’s not dwell . . .

In an online report ’controversial’ politician Michael Healy-Rae has apparently called for rural dwellers to be allowed to own guns to protest themselves. No that wasn’t a typo by News in Brief. But presumably a rather large one online. Else the austerity protests are about to take a nasty turn.

Although according to The Herald we’re about to go to war! Against chewing gum! According to the paper Dublin City Council is waging a €100,000 battle to remove the “menace” from our streets. ’this has never been carried out in south central previously’ a dramatic representative for the council said. It’s like Game of Thrones with litter wardens.

Enda’s been to Spain, Eamon’s been up north and Martin McGuinness has been in the IRA. Sorry, slip of the tongue there, meant to say McGuinness has been talking about the IFA. In addressing the issue of sectarianism in football, the Sinn Fein representative made the same unfortunate slip. How everyone laughed. Well you would, the man’s an alleged nasty piece of work.

Experts at NUI Maynooth have come up with a novel new way to raise your IQ by playing an online game. Plans are now underway to extend the game government wide, to our diligent leaders and brilliant brains, in an effort to finally solve some of life’s biggest questions: Where did we come from? What happens when we die? And what is a ’Bono’?

Following complaints of its over-use the C-word has been banned from Leinster House and its wider environs. Now any one within a five mile radius of the Dail could be fined or even face jail time if they continue to say ’clarity’.

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